Behind the egoistic facade

Ignorance is bliss

2012-02-05T20:23:00.003+08:00

I think people who are assholes will remain assholes no matter what even though they have those 'paper qualifications' to prove to the world how much smarter they are supposed to be than us mere mortals.

But a simple fact is, calling people fat is not going to make you thin, calling people stupid is not going to make you smart.

I guess once they took to many tests to get to the much appreciated 'paper qualification' they forgot how to act civilized anymore.

I guess ignorance is bliss.

And what's left?

2011-12-31T08:48:00.002+08:00

I guess I got an epiphany yesterday. Or was it a day before because I just forgot about blogging it and went to work instead?

Anyways, most of the people who are my seniors already are packing their bags and leaving the hospital, as MOs. I guess it really is a bitter sweet moment, as HOs you do all the fucked up donkey work, get screwed from all sides, work not only as the so-called first liner, but also as the professional PPK to send blood, to take all the vital signs when the nurses are enjoying their chats in the pantry, and also to trace the results and get into the constant war with the lab staff just to make sure that the patient's blood results are doing fine. Yeah, that's what you go through as the HO. Although we are in that situation, the specialist always have our asses covered. No matter what. And now, that safety net is gone, and you have to survive on your own in this world. So they left, with smiles, but maybe their hearts are beating so fast, they couldn't even realize it, wondering "What will be the challenges that lie ahead?"

As I saw them walking away, maybe walking with their heads held high as they finished the 2 years needed to be call a full pledged doctor, I realized that no matter what, footsteps of them will always be in the hospital. Then I got that epiphany, maybe I want to be remembered for the good reasons. I want my stay to be memorable as a good doctor, as one who actually tries to save the world from devastation.

Maybe that's what I'll do in the few months to come before I say good bye too.

And after that, we all will part ways too. What's left? Just memories. And maybe to some, the bad memories will be remembered more rather than the good ones.

Maybe I didn't get the memo.

2011-12-14T23:50:00.002+08:00

This totally explains how I feel right now.

It has been a great deal of time ever since I last blogged, because suddenly I just felt like it wasn't personal anymore.

But I'm losing my fucking mind here. I needed to rant out.
I didn't want to call my besties and bother them with my so-called-the-world-would-end-for-me problems, because they really aren't, it's just the fact that I'm being overly dramatic, or maybe the fact that I really just wanted the attention.

I really don't know how long I can stand being in the position I am right now. Unsure.

Although I've planned so many things for my future, it seems pretty bleak now.
Praying to God, maybe not hard enough to show me the light for the future.

It's tough. Life is tough. Maybe all the story books when we were young should have given us the heads up instead of ending happily ever after like Cinderella, Snow White or whatever princess they created as a part of consumerism and the parents and children will eat it all up and spend countless amount of hard earned money on things like this.

Rantings.

First of all, about work.

I don't get why some people have to be so mean when accepting referrals. Or why some people question every single thing that you do, as if it is totally wrong. Weren't you one of us in the first place? Didn't you feel how it felt like to be judged under a microscope trying hard not to stand out to much because of the uncertainties that you have? Didn't you know how much it hurts when every single thing you said is replied with a shout? Weren't you a human first before you became the so-called life saver or physician?? Did you hit your head hard on a brick on the road to success?

Boo you.

Secondly about relationships.

I could feel him falling out of my grasp. It never really was a relationship anyway, maybe just a one sided, official one for both of us. Now it seems he have found someone who suits him better. And why am I feeling jealous? He never was mine in the first place.

It hurts so much because everyone else seems so happy. They always say someday we will get to be the heroin for our life story too, not always the supporting actress all the time. But when will my time come? I'm too tired playing the supporting actress. I need a break too.

I keep thinking about the one who I told I like him and super freaked out too. Wondered what could have been if I didn't say I liked him. Or maybe if he felt the same way that I felt. But I guess it will always be a wonder. Because he doesn't feel the same way. That, I know.

And the other one, I'm not even sure what that one feels about me. Why are they so complicated? I can't read feelings like I read books.

Which brings me to the third thing, I can't seem to concentrate to study. I try my best to read, but end up staring at the words in the book, which sort of jumble up, trying their best to make my mind more messed up than it already is.

The worse part is, the more I read, the more I feel insecure, as if I didn't know anything about anything from the start.

What is wrong with this feeling?

Why does everyone else seem like they know what they are doing?

Or is it just me being lost now. Maybe I didn't get the memo.

life as it is

2011-05-10T22:03:00.004+08:00

As a doctor, it's a norm to face death almost every single day.
It is however different if it is one of us on the other side.
It became big news when one of us appeared at the A&E yesterday, lifeless.
Drowned, they said.

I was in the HDU clinic when the word reached my ears.
The name doesn't ring a bell though. We continued to talk on about this fellow comrade, who once was in my seat at this point of time.
He went on and became an MO.

Then one of those in the clinic described how he looked like. I then realized that I met this person before when I was doing one of my peripheral call. He was the MO oncall that night too.
And what made me remember it was the fact that he asked who I was when I handed over the case. He said he never saw me before in the hospital. I proceeded to say I'm already in my 3rd posting. I guess we never really crossed paths.

My heart goes to his family.
It hits close to me as I like to go swimming, and I've been in places like that too.
Running in my head is the fact that I could have been in the very same situation, should I slip up a bit.

I guess what I'm stating here is, we're doctors. We're human too.

It's harder to grasp the truth when you've trained yourself to save others, but when it comes to one of us, we can't do anything.

A colleague at work today was excited about taking his turn off and going to Penang.
He said "I'll be in Penang tomorrow. What will you be doing?"

I turned to him and said "The same thing I do everyday. Try to save the world from devastation."

To which my MO said, "What uniform will you be wearing then?"

And all the HO's in the room turned to her and the very colleague going to Penang said "This white coat."

moving on

2011-04-24T19:07:00.002+08:00

In my brother's car in KL one day

Me : You know, my ex bf has a new gf already. *sigh*

3 second silence.

My brother : Well, sometimes that's what people do you know. It's called moving on.

@#$%$# betol.

About death

2011-04-10T21:04:00.003+08:00

I had a dream that my father had a heart attack. I was crying in my sleep. In my dream I rushed back to KL, thinking over and over in the plane ride why I chose to leave KL. To pursue my so-called dream? Leaving my parents alone at home? As I woke up, it was in the middle of the night, I was still weeping. It took me a few hours to realize that I woke up already. The first thing I did that morning was call back home. Listening to my father pick up the phone, muttering "Hello" into the ear piece calmed me down. But I couldn't help feeling the tears streaming down my face. What if it was real? What if death did happen? How would I react?

I asked for my brother, who according to my father that time was asleep. I told him about the dream. My brother that is. I couldn't muster the courage to tell my father I dreamt he died. My brother reassured me that it was okay. My father was still well, and very well alive.

I kept on wondering why I dreamt about my father that day, or just about death itself.
Maybe because I've been working in the industry where I meet death almost everyday.
People come and go, and every other day there will be patients who require CPR in the ward.

That day, we had one patient just sent up from A&E. He was diagnosed to have septic shock. At the ward, suddenly one of the nurses shouted out that patient's BP was unrecordable. We commenced CPR. There were a few medical students following our rounds that day, and they too, attended to the patient. I started CPR, followed by my colleagues. I then held the responsibility of bagging the patient. This time around there were a lot of bloody secretions from this patient, almost 500mls suctioned out. As the resuscitation was taking place, I saw the old man looking at us, eyes tired. As we tried to pump the very last drops of his blood to his brain to carry oxygen, his eyes got more droopy by the minute.

At that point I thought, if he could say something, what would it be? Would he ask us to stop? Would he tell what it feels like to be between life and death?

The patient couldn't make it in the end. Resuscitation was stopped after 30minutes.

I took off my bloody gloves and cleaned up after the resuscitation. The patient's family members were waiting patiently for us to tell them that the patient was gone. Red faced, crying.

I went to the toilet, then realized some of the patient's blood got onto my white coat, my mask and my stetescope. The remnants of the patient being in the ward.

I got home, and cleaned up. Told my grandmother of what happened that day.
Then my grandmother told me that she was in that condition too, when my grandfather was being resuscitated.

Everything was going on so fast, after the CPR she realized my grandfather was gone. She told this tale to me, still teary eyed, after 25 years of my grandfather's death. Is that how much in love she was with my grandfather? That after 25 years she still manages to feel pain and cry for him upon telling this story?

I guess I have so much more to learn. Although so many others have moved on and have families of their own, I need to toughen up. Maybe that's why God opened up my heart to chose Sarawak General Hospital as my first choice that day, instead of Hospital Kuala Lumpur. Maybe there's another reason why I'm here. I just haven't see it yet.

statement of the day

2011-03-21T20:51:00.001+08:00

To medium boss
Yes, I'm so stupid and blonde boss.
Please educate me.

To small boss, you're so cute. You make me smile when we're in a tense situation.

open your eyes jacquline

2011-03-20T22:19:00.004+08:00

It's amazing about how much we see, but still choose what we want to have our sight on.
Sometimes, it just takes another person to shake you up and point to you the obvious, then something strikes in you and you go 'Why haven't I realize this before?'
Because we choose to be ignorant to the fact.

Back then, I had these friends who seriously are flirting with each other all the time. It was a matter of time before they got together as a couple. When that actually happens, I actually said to them "It was so obvious that you guys would end up together. I cannot see someone else who would fit each other perfectly." But they said, they never saw it coming.

I was with a good guy friend of mine that day, having lunch. It was at one of our favourite places to eat, so we were trying to enjoy ourselves with our meal, while pouring out our thoughts to each other. Those about work, about play and mainly just about anything under the sun.

As we were eating, there were many old songs playing in the background. All the classics such as those Diana Ross songs, Boys II Men and all. I guess I am getting older that I can actually say Boys II Men are classics.

Anyway, back to the story, suddenly my friend was saying out of the blue "Why are they playing these types of songs now? Totally out of the mood. If I'm with my girlfriend it would have been different". I just smiled. His girlfriend is over the ocean, and I guess he would be meeting her soon enough in a few weeks time.

He looked at me and then said "You always say I'm the one who is sentimental, I wonder how it would be like if a guy who wants to court you starts singing to you or something."

Then it clicked to me. A guy did try to sing for me, in fact he was a good singer, singing one of my all time favourite songs, substituting my name inside the song instead. I then told my friend this. And then I did add the fact that after the guy did that for me, he actually asked me to be his girlfriend.

My friend then asked, what was your response?

I got scared I said. So I stopped contacting him.

Then we started to talk about people who I went out with. Those I actually thought I had a future with. The pursuit of happiness was fun, but eventually when the guy becomes serious, and pops of the question as in would I be his girlfriend, I freak out and start running the other direction.

My friend then started to come to a conclusion.

"Now I understand why you don't have a boyfriend. You're afraid of being vulnerable."

Well, I'm scared. If I were to be a girlfriend, it means I'm being committed to something. What if it doesn't turn out right? What if suddenly I change my mind?

Then my friend said "That's why. You're afraid of commitment. You're committed to work. Why can't you be committed to a relationship as well?

Then I said to him "Why bother with titles? It's just the same isn't it? I can still go out with a guy, as a romantic interest, and still have fun right? Why do they have to give it a name? Why do they have to say I'm your boyfriend, and you're my girlfriend?"

Then he further explained "Because it changes everything. Saying that you're his girlfriend would mean that you are willing to be committed to him."

I cringed.

"What's the big deal Farah? You have a guy who would always be there for you, to chauffeur you around, one who would always take your side. Doesn't sound that bad right?"my friend further asked.

It's true. But I'd have to do the exact same thing for the guy itself. What if I don't want to? Then I'd be a mean person because I want to be pampered and I can't pamper another person right? I'm not willing to give in.

Of course I didn't mention the above statement to him.

Instead I said to him "I'm scared. What if something goes wrong?"

"You're still unsure. And you go back to square one. But those guys who actually took their time to think and say to you that they want you to be their girlfriend? What about them? You broke their hearts to pieces."

I just kept quiet.

He further proceeded to take his glass, and slurp his drink.

I guess that got me thinking.

"Until you can figure out what you want, and be ready to be someone's girlfriend, you'll never get a boyfriend. Because you're still not sure." He ended that topic with that statement.

It is true I think. I'm scared of being vulnerable. I'm scared that I might not be able to be a great girlfriend. Most of all, I'm afraid the relationship would not last, and the heartache that comes after.

But how do you move on if you're afraid to get your heartbroken? That I have to figure out.
Do I really not have time for the pain?

*Jacquline was one of my patients in the neurosurgery ward, she had a stroke, and everyday during reviewing her, me and my team mates would assess her GCS score, telling her, 'Open your eyes Jacquline'. But she never did. However she could move her hands, and instead of opening her eyes to that statement, she would lift her left hand (Her stroke affected her right side) and wave to us.

?

2011-02-26T17:35:00.003+08:00

In the car somewhere

Me : Hey there's Kenyalang Mall! What do they have in there? Kedai-kedai?

HKL : ..

Me : Well?

HKL : ..

Me : At least say la, this mall jual apa, kedai apa..

HKL : .. My friends use to buy cd cetak rompak and blue movies there..

Me : ...

the day I opened my mouth

2011-02-21T21:37:00.004+08:00

Before this, one of my many big bosses decided to tell me about a short course regarding public speaking. After he elaborated further about the details of the course, he told me that it was for a 2 day duration and costs a mere RM25, and he immediately asked whether I was interested with the course.

Of course, I immediately say "No", as my weekends are always filled with work in the first place, and I'm not planning to use it going for this course, and secondly, I think that I'm pretty capable of getting my message through to people without having to learn how to communicate.

Then, big boss took the paper where I'm supposed to write my name in his hands, look me in the eye, and said "Sometimes, some people do not know the importance of something like this."

OMG! When I heard that statement, something in me just snapped! Me? Not knowing the importance of public speaking? Or of communicating?

I looked him in the eye, and said "I think I don't need this course. I represented my state in public speaking and got no 3 at a national level. Besides that I was also in debate in high school." Then I ended that note with a smile, or more like a smirk.

Big boss paused, looked into my eyes, kept silent for about 3 seconds, then said "Good for you then." and moved on with his life.

Old man, don't assume. Just because I don't answer back during rounds, doesn't mean I don't have an opinion you know? After all, being silent could also be an answer at times.

turning nutty

2011-02-16T00:05:00.003+08:00

Everyday, I wake up, I hit the snooze button on my handphone. Pick up the towel and bathe, getting ready for work. Drive off to the hospital, do everything I'm supposed to do, go home.
Maybe if I had some time, I watch the television. Or maybe I sleep in front of the television. And the cycle repeats itself. Every single day.

Today, I actually felt different. An emptiness. Something is wrong somewhere. I don't know what.

I sat in front of the laptop, looking through my old pictures. Why am I smiling so widely? Why don't I take more pictures now? Why don't I take more pictures nowadays?

Flipping through tabs on the Firefox, everything seems like a blur.

Why bother doing anything?

As always, I decided to watch tv series or movies to calm myself down.

And as always, when I feel this way, I click on 'Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind'

Interesting isn't it? Choosing which memories we want to keep or throw away.

Maybe I need more time for myself.

And break free from this routine I'm going through.

I want to move forward, not turn backwards.

Serenaded by him

2011-02-13T23:52:00.002+08:00

Listening to Anuar Zain's song 'Sedetik Lebih'.
I don't know why, but I always feel that everytime I listen to Anuar Zain's songs, I could actually be elevated to a different place, a place filled with so much warmth, love and so on. LOL.
But seriously, his song this time, touch my heart so much!
I feel that I'm in love just listening to him serenading through my earphones.
Maybe I should be.
The zero has already became one just yesterday.

statement of the day

2011-02-11T21:29:00.001+08:00

sushi is best enjoyed with company who loves sushi and enjoys talking.

and i miss the banana peanut butter crepe i've tasted in phuket before.

maybe I want to fly back after 2 years, immediately.

2011-02-10T23:49:00.004+08:00

2nd post of the night. Just goes to show how much my mind wonders at this moment.

I'm supposed to be studying because big boss is going to be asking questions tomorrow. Have 3 more days to finish Paeds ICU, which is actually kind of fun, really. Boss is kinda cool, lets you do procedures and all, so it's great. Work load is a lot, but it's a great learning experience.

I am post call today. In this current posting, during most of my oncalls I'm able to sleep. Therefore, when I couldn't sleep, I'd be very cranky and super pissed. Yesterday I was oncall, able to sleep for almost 7 hours.

Then today after work, felt like I wanted to go out somewhere to have a nice dinner. The usual people I go out with are either oncall, or had people to entertain. Contacted some other people, and they too, have dinner plans.

*sigh*

Suddenly, I can hear the song Lonely by Akon playing in the background of my mind.

Post call and have no where to go? No plans at all?

Definitely spells out L O S .. don't want to finish that word though. :(

At times like this, when I'm awake, trying to read, but my mind keeps on wondering.. I keep on thinking, why did I choose to be here in the first place? Why?

Probably if I'm in KL I would be checking out places that would make me feel better.
KLCC.
Lowyat.
Pavillion.

Going to eat at places like Subway, Nando's.

It is depressing really.

Not having the core family around really sucks, no one really understands what is happening.

Having a new car to drive around also feels lonely. Maybe last time when my car is out of order, it was kinda fun to be driven around, because it reminds me of times when my father used to drive me off to HKL during my student days.

And now I'm staying alone, in a place I now have to adapt to call home, with people whom I think I knew, and trying to get to know people who are already having fun in their lives.

Why am I here again? Why?

so I chose to be like that

2011-02-10T23:37:00.002+08:00

There's always a level of awkwardness you reach when you face a person you have had a fallout with.
How can people expect for things to go back the way they do when you at prime with them?
Of course everything would go back to square one.
Because at the moment the fall out happen, you just don't know each other anymore.
For me, I can't look at the person in the eye and just move on.
I'm just not that type.
So I'd just chose to be a hypocrite.

I lie on the pillow and keep on blinking

2011-02-07T20:46:00.001+08:00

I think I do have insomnia.
Yesterday I was oncall and I didn't get any sleep at all.
I was struggling to keep my eyes open for am reviews. And during rounds, I think I fell asleep while standing right in front of big boss!
Hope he wasn't that bad, because he just got back from CNY holidays :P
I drank up almost 4 cups of nescafe to work as normal.
Now at home, on the bed, lying facing the ceiling, watching the ceiling fan turn, casting shadows on the walls, I realized that I couldn't sleep.
How frustrating.

I once told a close colleague of mine this problem. Which seems to be more common these days.
And he looked at me in the eye and asked me "Cannot sleep? Thinking about guys ah?"

('_')

it is relatable

2011-02-05T19:38:00.003+08:00

How I Met Your Mother works because it's so relatable.

In one episode,

Robin : Ted, am I the biggest idiot in the world?

Ted : Think about all of us, 5 years ago, when we first met you.

Marshall and Lily were just boyfriend and girlfriend. Now they're married and thinking about kids.

And Barney.. Barney was never going to commit to anyone, ever. And last year, he fell in love.

And me, I was chasing a girl I was convinced was the one, and now she's one of my closest friends.

And you, 5 years ago, you would never choose love over your career. And today you did.

Robin : Looks like I'm getting dumber.

Ted : No, just more courageous.

damn it

2011-01-29T21:55:00.002+08:00

Although we've moved on and parted ways, although it's on good terms, it still hurts when I see public displays of affection the current gf does to my ex-bf. I guess I am that sentimental. :/

I sleep better with my own pillow

2011-01-22T23:02:00.002+08:00

Yeah. Pretty long phrase as my title. Which is true by the way. Haven't blogged since like forever.
Things are getting better once people start trusting you more.
Still have car issues so in the end, once and for all I decided to buy a new car.
Got a new Ipod Touch too.
So going to get an Iphone once able to.
Hopefully life will get more interesting in the next few weeks. :)

waa..

2011-01-01T22:24:00.001+08:00

I need to go on a vacation.
Damnit.
Blame it on the precall blues. :(

This place seems kinda fun too. :P

when moving on is so hard to do

2010-12-31T13:17:00.002+08:00

It's always hard to know how to act when someone cries in front of you.
Do you cry as well?
Do you give comforting words?
Or just listen?

I usually chose to listen. Because I'm not really good at comforting words.
And I tell them, just go back, sleep, and wake up to a whole new day.

Which I too know is hard to do.

But the world will keep on spinning, the sun will still rise and clock will still tick no matter what.

It takes every ounce of courage to walk out the door, and put up a brave front.

And tell the world "Bring it on."

:(

2010-12-28T21:33:00.002+08:00

The weather seems to agree with my gloomy mood this evening. As I walked in the rain, with an umbrella in one hand, I looked up above to see grey clouds making their way across the sky. The rain kept on falling, making bigger puddles on the ground, soaking pants walking in them.

Rushing past all the cars, I made my way up to the nursery. Frantically going around, lifting objects, pushing away books at counters, merely so that I could fine the plastic encased blue ipod, to no avail.

I lost it. After almost 3 years with me. RM800 down the drain. Due to my irresponsibility?My forgetfulness? Me going around everywhere with the pager and forgetting items all over the place?

I lost my ipod nano.

I've been thinking about getting an Ipod touch, but this is definitely not the way I want to let go of my previous ipod.

Somehow along the way,just hearing someone ask me softly about how I'm doing comforted me much.

Wow. Such an impact.

My eyes grew larger, and my heart opened up.

Maybe I should head that way instead.

tralala

2010-12-20T22:04:00.002+08:00

Fear.
The one word that pushes us to go further.
Fear of losing out.
Fear of making mistakes.

Pushes us beyond our limit.

Fear of rejection?
Makes us cower in the corner, waiting for the right time to start.

But then comes the question, what if?

Would you regret doing something, or regret not doing something?

WHAT IF I DID THAT?

uuupdaaateeee

2010-12-12T23:53:00.003+08:00

Haven't updated my blog for quite sometime. Suddenly had the adrenaline rush to update after reading some of my high school mate's blog. Heheh.
Basically same ol news, now in Peadiatrics posting though. Tough man. The hours are crazy, and always have to be careful incase some idiot decides to sabotage you. Damnit!
I miss neurosurgery so much!!!

Anyway, I've completed the resuscitation programme, so now I'm able to resuscitate babies, kinda fun. Was definitely scared out of my wits initially, but now not that bad at controlling my fear as well. Afraid if not able to resuscitate the baby, the baby will die. :(

Hurm. Besides that, I kinda like someone, but so hard to find time to hang out. Damnit! Haish. Susah betul mau contact kamu yah?

Can't wait to be back in KL as well, booked tickets for January, but haven't send in my leave form yet. Gila betul right? And I have like 9 oncalls for the month, small amount compared to other people from different departments I think, but the stress of going on call in this new department? OMG. Like crazy. Time passes by so fast, but work is never done! No matter how hard you try. And suddenly the night turns into day, and another person is on call, and secretly in your heart you thank God because no one died during your oncall. Haih.

I miss swimming too. Haven't swam since started working. Maybe one of these days, because I'm able to go back at 5 nowadays.

Every morning I wake up, then I go "It's another day, another struggle, another challenge coming right up." I live by the day, can't really plan ahead. Everyday is a new war. And once the day ends, I am thankful I made it through.

Have assessment coming up in 2 weeks, and I think I know next to nothing. Only know about neonatal stuff, although I don't really know all about them either. Probably would be posted to general peads next month, every ward seems scary because of the boss factor. :(

Anyhow, one month gone and another 3 months to go. Hopefully everything goes on well. :)

yes, I'm can actually smile again.

2010-11-10T00:03:00.003+08:00

It's amazing how the world seems so much more fabulous when you're in a good mood.
Yes, I am in a good mood.
I'm elated as a matter of fact.
:)

Basicly because firstly, I finished all the tasks I'm supposed to do in my surgical posting, mainly the appendicectomies I had to perform before I head to the next posting I'm supposed to go to.
Secondly, I had just moved back into my own home, which was in renovation for the past one month. Staying at another person's home is never as comfortable as your own.
In addition to that, I've just got to know new people who have the same interest as I do. Awesome!
:D

I'm also on a 3 day leave before the new posting starts. Waking up late is a luxury nowadays. :P
I also get to redecorate my home any way I want. :D
Hee.

Yes. You can see how much I'm glowing just by all the positive statements I'm writing above.

Just as I'm writing, I'm also listening to one of my favourite songs, "For Her" by Reza Salleh.

I never thought I could feel as happy as this. I mean, I couldn't remember the last time I felt as happy as this. Even during my convocation period in KL back then early October, I kept counting the minutes left before I had to fly back to Kuching. It's hard to rebuild a new circle of friends and my life basicly with no guidebook what so ever.

But now I can say now, at this very moment, I'm no longer coping, I'm actually happy.

I so hope I could continue feeling this way as I move on to the next posting.

blahhhh

2010-10-27T20:28:00.003+08:00

It has been some time since I last blogged. As if anyone ever reads it anyway. LOL.
Been busy la.
Now coping better with work.
Have 3 more weeks to finish first posting. (hopefully!)
Then I'll be off to Peadiatrics posting. (most probably)
And known as a 2nd poster. wooohoo. :P

Just ending with this question.
If your boss asks you to jump.
Do you say:
a) why?
or
b) how high??

on being unjoyful

2010-09-15T17:05:00.003+08:00

I am a spiteful person. I'm not the cheerful, bubbly person who waves and smiles and laughs oh so easily like many others.
I am quiet, relatively at least, and I only talk easily to those I am close with.
I am very stern.
I don't speak in a sing song voice.

But, does it mean that I'm a bad person? Just because the way I present myself?
It amazes me about what other people perceive as being a good person.
If you speak so joyfully, even though you don't finish your work, you get away scot free.
And me on the other hand, the down to earth outright stern one, gets screwed.

Even with my family. Extended family I mean.
It's no surprise that I've been growing up in KL all this while, and just relocated to Kuching recently, about 3-4 months ago.

And there these people go, talking behind my back about how 'unjoyful' I could be. They perceive it as being rude.

Hah. Wait until I shout out profanities la, then you see what is rude.

But of course, I can't do that. Have to take good care of the image and all. But it just irritates me to no end. How what other people are doing annoys and bothers me so much that I start cursing them in my heart.

OMG.

Mintak Tuhan tenangkan jiwa ni. Like seriously.

I really need to get out of this hell hole and get back to where I belong.

HUUU

2010-09-11T17:58:00.002+08:00

Being a HO, it is a norm to be scolded by the specialist until my face is up to a few inches thick. LOL.
That day, before that specialist went back, he turned around, look me in the eye and said
"Farah, Selamat Hari Raya" and smiled.
Damn, terharu la plak. :')

you made me smile faizal :)

2010-09-05T23:46:00.002+08:00

I never thought that Faizal Tahir would make me smile.
There were days when I was post call, or had screwed up really bad (or so I thought) and I had to attend to patients in the scope room for OGDS and colonoscopy. I'd be in a really foul mood. Thing is, in the scope room they actually place a radio there for the specialists and nurses to listen to songs.
And at times when I'm really down, suddenly, the song "Hanyut" by Faizal Tahir goes on, and I immediately smile.
Somehow that song calms me down. Maybe it made me remember about the concert that I saw Faizal Tahir in. How I enjoyed it so much. Or maybe it made me remember about how the concert was in KL. And how much I felt at home in KL.
But it's my feel good song now, "Hanyut". :)

Updated

2010-08-29T21:47:00.002+08:00

Just came back from my granny's where I had dinner or more like break fast with the UPM friends. After dinner we sat around gossiping about life and all la. I guess we can't really talk outside the confines of our home, because we don't really know who is listening. Besides, hanging out with UPM folks always makes me feel closer to home.

Hopefully I'll be getting my car tomorrow. Yeay!! So, I'd feel a lot more at home. :)

Can't wait for Hari Raya to come so I can meet my whole family who will be flying over from KL to Kuching.

I still miss my cats though, but I got to see them on videocall that day. Thank God there is skype! :D

Heehee.

Anyway, gotta get some rest, still have work tomorrow.

And so the story goes

2010-08-28T21:32:00.003+08:00

So here I was sitting on the bed, back from a family gathering for berbuka puasa.
Then my grandma goes "Farah, don't you have a boyfriend?" *of course la the conversation is all in Bahasa Sarawak right, but I translate la, if not people don't understand :P*

Then I said "Don't have"

I know this conversation will come up sooner or later, seeing that I'm turning 24 this year, and most of my cousins are getting engaged and having weddings and so on and so forth.

My grandma then goes "Well this is the age that you have to find someone. If you miss the boat, you'll be single forever"

I know grandma. I'm trying to find someone too. Trying to find someone I like, and care about, and maybe have a future together. But I haven't found that person yet. :(

So I answered "What to do? Jodoh tak sampai lagi"

Then my grandma just went off and do whatever she did la.

But it's true what. Kalo jodoh dah tak de what to do?

With the state I am in now, I think I'm married to my job.

It's not that I'm not trying to go out with people, I do. I just couldn't really find the right person.

Those I thought was the right person already have a significant other.

I know people say may the best person win, but it wouldn't be right to be the third person either right?

A few times I was stuck in the 3rd person position, thinking whether or not I should ruin that relationship just so that I could get that guy to be mine.

But I didn't. Maybe it's the best thing to do. But I guess not the best thing to do for my love life.

I seriously am scared of growing old alone. But I can't force myself to be with any guy who asks me out.

Even before I left for Kuching, a guy asked for my hand in marriage. Saying that if I agreed, we should just be engaged before I go to Kuching. He's a nice guy, has a great paying job and all. Looks wise - pleasant. The only thing is I don't think I'm ready to be committed to a relationship. What more to be engaged??

I told this situation to a close friend of mine who told me that I should have did a solat istiharah to know whether this guy is the right one for me. Maybe I should. But my basic instinct told me that I'm just not ready.

I don't know either la. Sometimes, I feel like just fast forwarding time to see who my husband is going to be.

But I guess no such thing really happens. *sigh*

Oh yes, we're still alive.

2010-08-28T00:10:00.011+08:00

Location : Ayu's new car, The Spring in Kuching, Riverside
Photos taken by : My reliable Nokia E71 handphone

*Kah Chuan tak de sebab die tengah tido kat bilik. :P

Pisseeedddd

2010-08-27T23:28:00.001+08:00

Work has been, tiring as always. I don't even know why I actually help finish other people's work for them. Because they are not in the wards. Damn it betul.

Then they come back demanding for their work. Like WTH?? It's your work and you treat it like it's mine? OMG. So annoying! Feel like slapping them right there and then!

Bed 23

2010-08-21T10:54:00.003+08:00

Last week was a lot better than the week before. However it started with deaths of 2 of my patients.

I guess one patient had it going for him, he didn't want to eat at all for the past few days of his life. We tried contacting his family members for him, but none showed up, giving the excuse that they are busy working and couldn't take leave. Like WTF right?

He complained of pain everywhere on the day he left, so I attended to him, pushing him to eat and drink and all. Called physician, anaesthetist and so on to help. I went back at 8pm. At 11pm, he collapsed, colleagues on call did CPR 2x, but asystole still.

The next day another patient of mine went away. Had high grade temperature. Probably was septic eversince he was admitted, but I guess we never really knew the extent or severity of it. Started on antibiotics and all the night before. At about 10am, he took the turn for the worse, suddenly collapsing. CPR was done numerous times the whole day, even to the extent of taking the defib machine to get his pulse back. At about 5pm, asystole. Family members started crying all around. There's an extent to the work a doctor does. In the end, God Almighty is the one who calls who gets to go and who gets to stay.

Was in a pretty bad mood the very next day, another patient came in and was placed at that bed as well. Suddenly developed chills and rigors, this time around I sent all septic workout early, monitored temperature and all. Patient became afebrile, and was discharged well 2 days later. Yeay!

All 3 patients were at bed 23.

I guess now I'm getting a little better at dancing to the rhythm of the work I'm doing. You know what to do when certain circumstances come up. When boss is about to get mad at you, just listen and nod. I mean that's what I do.

Will see in a few weeks whether the social life would actually get better. ASTRO haven't been connected yet to the television in my house. My car is not sent yet here. I guess with me driving my car, I would feel a bit more at home, because I love my car. It's like having my family there with me.

Ceh, drama sungguh post-post akhir-akhir ni.

But, yes, I'm still alive. :)

Thoughts

2010-08-15T20:23:00.002+08:00

My mother came to visit me during the weekend.
After a God awful working week, just to see her smiling looking at me while waving when I was parking my car in the house made me soooo happy.
I guess I never knew how much I missed her. Or my dad. Or my cats. Or KL for that matter.
I understood it was going to be hard. It's just that when it happens to me that I realized how amazingly hard it would be.
Maybe that's why so many of my uni friends before this opted to stay near their homes, because they would have their social support there. No matter how hard it may be, they have someone to listen to their problems.
What do I have?
I have my relatives here don't get me wrong, but they couldn't comprehend fully as much as how my parents would. They would never understand how hard I tried to get to the place I am today. And how many people are just waiting for me to crumble down to the ground.
I can't expect my parents to fly in every other week. Unless we have our own share to Malaysian Airlines for that matter. But I guess calling and texting does help. To a certain extent.
To tell problems that I face to my colleagues, especially those from my university would also not be fair to them as well. They are also learning to cope from day to day, just as I am. And sometimes, when one is depressed, the others get depressed too. I guess when everyone is so overworked, and social support group is almost non existent, emotional breakdown could be infectious.
Every single day I wake up, I push my self to get out of bed, to go to work. When I come back, I push myself to bathe, and to sleep. I never really have time to do anything else. Maybe I'm very slow at adapting to new situations? I don't know either.
And what makes me very sad is the fact that at times those specialists ask me questions, such as about hernia, or colon ca or some sort like that, I couldn't really answer with confidence. Where did all my self esteem go? I keep on wondering. In my mind, the answer keep on playing again and again, but I guess there is no connection from my mind to my mouth, so in the end, I do not say what I played out in my mind, instead just keep mum.
Then the specialist will say the answer, and in my mind I would be stating to myself, I knew that answer! Just that I didn't have the courage to answer it. Maybe I'm afraid of answering wrongly. But if I don't have the courage to make mistakes, how am I going to move forward right?
I'm just too tired of being scolded for other people's mistakes. In our ward, they say it as sabotaging. Or in other words, plain SABO.
Sometimes I feel they do sabo me, giving me all the hard cases. Pushing me to go to the operation theater when no one else would, and the surgeon is in a foul mood. So I'm practically going there just to be bombarded with questions about how things are not done. :(
Life as a houseman is not a glamorous thing.
They say it's hard.
Actually it's very very very very hard.
Medical school is seriously a piece of cake compared to houseman life.

issues

2010-08-15T00:05:00.002+08:00

I am a very bitter person. I guess I'm one of those who would smile at another person's misery. (I think there must be others like me in the world)

I had an God awful week. Work was hectic, the workload was indescribable because we are left with only 8 people in the ward, there are lots of patient and we have to finish everyone up. I'm in subacute cubicle now, so many patient's so much to do, and I still had to attend main ot, scope room and also clinic. At times I tend to forget one or two details on work I'm supposed to do. I'm still human for God's sakes. I make mistakes.

There are those shit heads out there who actually just go missing in action and dump their workload on others. OMG I just feel like strangling them there and then. The worse part is, the one who gets the blame is actually those who are in there working their ass's off, not those who are MIA. Seriously, these people should just be locked in a chest and dumped off into the deepest part of the ocean.

I'm not coping anymore at work. I'm basicly struggling. From a day to day basis. Everyday is a new challenge. We meet new people, start working with different issues and so on. And for the whole week, I feel so tired.

My new best friend is the pillow. I fell asleep that day while writing a review for a patient, and a colleague woke me up. I guess it's because I was post call.

Oh btw, I had 3 oncalls already. First on call I was so blur. But no one died, and that's what's important.

Second oncall was bliss. I was oncall with 3 other housemens (ward, A&E oncall and OT oncall). One is already an MO now, during that time he was a few days shy of becoming a full fledged MO. Then the other 2 were 4th posters. Why was it a bliss on call? Get this. That night, NO ADMISSIONS AT ALL. Like AT ALL. heee. I slept from 11pm to 5am. Amazing la that oncall.
3rd oncall ada, but I didn't really enjoy it. I don't really despise it too.

I'm very moody because some "dumpers" who dump work at other people. On the way back, I tuned in to the radio, and the song "Bad Day" is heard.

Damn.

.

2010-07-30T20:10:00.000+08:00

Sunday ni start oncall after 3 days off tag.

O. M. G.

*freaked out*

Note to self

2010-07-29T23:48:00.004+08:00

Just finished the 2 week tagging ordeal. Phew!
Of course la kena marah jugak during those 14 days, but I guess it's all to make me learn.
Buat-buat tak dengar sudah.
Tapi that one day kena marah sampai rasa nak nangis, thank God the colleagues helped out. :)
Having friends around during the tough times also helped a lot.
That's when I realized I really miss the comfort of my own home, knowing that my family are there to hear me out.
Glad that there are the 6 of us here, and we are not separated from one another. Still in the same ward and all. :)
So come what hurricane, it may be damaging, but wouldn't seem that bad after all.
Now, just trying to get to the pattern of working.
Earning money is tough.

chantra chantra

2010-07-28T23:12:00.002+08:00

This quote was from a looooooongggg time ago, when I was in first year of medical school. When I actually watched Grey's Anatomy. (FYI, I stopped watching it in the middle of season 2)

"He's an intern. Interns are basicly teenagers. We are not hard on them because it's fun. We're hard on them because this is a life and death job. They need to learn that. There's a reason why we have a picking order in the hospital. It saves lives" -Dr Miranda Bailey, Grey's Anatomy-

That's what I'm going through. I'm an intern. But I know they are hard on me because they don't want mistakes to happen. Mistakes that could cause death.

And yeah, that is the mantra I chant when people are screaming around me. :P

What she said

2010-07-25T19:14:00.001+08:00

It's true what my lecturer in Peads used to say.

"Passing medical school is a piece of cake.

Working life - it's a whole different story."

I guess I took medical student life for granted.

Should have partied more.

LOL.

2010-07-11T00:48:00.004+08:00

I went to Universal Studios Singapore.

Then I went snorkeling in Phuket.

Now I'm packing to go somewhere further, for a much longer period. Maybe the longest time I've ever left KL, or home.

I'm going to be doing my housemanship in Sarawak General Hospital, in Kuching. I wasn't tossed there or some sort like that, I actually placed it as my second choice. My first being Hospital Kuala Lumpur. I thought it would be a great learning experience.

Thing is, word has been that whoever asks for Borneo, maybe it be the 3rd choice, they will definitely get it. So I did.

The day then came for me to pack up, and leave home.

As I was packing, I was tuning to MTV, it was about Britney's 20 top videos. When I was watching, it was her video "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman".

Suddenly, I felt that I could relate to the song.

I have so much growing up to do.

Leaving the comfort of my home, trying to make it on my own, getting my piece of wisdom, making mistakes and calling it experience..

Tapi memang rasa sebak sangat di dada, nak nangis pon ada.

I guess the time will come sooner or later.

Just wishing for the best in life.

I wish I could have told him that I still am not over him. But not enough courage la.

I just hope.. that if there should be challenges laid out for me, dear God, please, give me the challenges that I can overcome.

And KL, no matter what, you will always be my home.

Old times

2010-06-24T13:40:00.004+08:00

Back then when I was in high school, Form 5 to be specific, I attended tuition at some house shop in Taman Melawati. Near to my home la. It started at about 6pm and ended at around 9pm. There was usually a break for Maghrib prayers in between. Usually during that time, I would head to the nearby grocery store, to get some drinks before prayers and heading back to class.

Of course, the this went on for almost a year until SPM actually came.

Just now, I went to the same grocery store (after so many years) to get newspapers and also chocolate milk.

As I went to pay, the uncle (the very same guy who took care of the cash register all these years) smiled at me.

"Dah lama tak datang ye?" he asked.

I just smiled.

"Yelah, pegi study kat Universiti, jauh dari sini" I answered.

(Jauh la sangat Serdang tu :P)

When he placed the chocolate milk in the plastic bag, suddenly he said

"You sudah kahwin ke?"

Like OMG.

Even that uncle knows I seem age-appropriate for marriage.

Didn't know what to answer so I just smiled and head out into the car.

Update much

2010-06-21T23:20:00.005+08:00

Hurm. Mood nak update blog, but don't really have the idea what to write about. Or more like have some issues but don't want to share about it on the blog.

Kinda bored currently, friends are working, still waiting for posting letter and currently penniless so can't really do much, but stay at home, facing my laptop like 24/7.

Nak SMS orang pon, haish, malas ar. I guess I'm not that type of a person, those who keep up with people they know. I do la, to a certain extent, but I guess I never was that friendly.

Everyone seems to be getting engaged or married nowadays. Well, I'm glad they found their soul-mate/ significant other / partner la. I guess I just reached a point where I'm just like going with the flow.

It's hard when the person that you like doesn't like you back. :(

And those interested in you, you're not interested in.

Well, I'll just have to wait.

As they say, there's this thing that heals - it's called TIME. :P

Hee

2010-06-13T13:32:00.001+08:00

Minggu ni terasa sikit la. Sebelum ni tak mau admit sangat la.

Well I'll just say it this once I guess.

...

I miss my UPM friends :P

Youth what?

2010-06-04T17:32:00.021+08:00

After the whole hair fiasco, let's move on to the real life. Heheh.
Bestie graduated last Saturday.

Anyway, I had the chance to go to the Youth Convention 2010 done in PWTC. I went because, hurm, just because I could la basicly. :P

The whole place was filled with youngsters - as in those who have just reached puberty, or have just finished SPM. I mean, that's what their impressions were to me. And there were maybe a handful of those like myself present there, to check out the bands or either like me, to see the artwork, and also the bazaar - shopping time!! :D

And then there was the graffiti competition going on.
Tak larat la nak tunggu diorang siapkan. Tengok yang dekat 3/4 siap pon jadilah. :)

Yang lain-lain ni sume kat art gallery.

In the end, got my self a pair of sandals (yang ni terpaksa coz my heels were killing me, definitely impulse buying :P), 2 t-shirts and a hair accessory. Didn't take the picture of the t-shirts though, but they are black. Typical me. :P

The Hair Conundrum Part II

2010-06-02T22:39:00.004+08:00

I did mentioned that I was meeting friends who were in KL for the weekend.

I was to meet this one good friend of mine, who met me the day before the hair cut, but didn't have much time to spend with each other, so we decided to meet again two days later - which is a day after I got the hair cut.

I told him that I just got a hair cut, and it was really short.

When I met my friend, he was looking at me, directly at my face, then said "Mana yang guntingnye? Tak nampak beza pon"

LOL.

Nak amik hati tu berpada-pada la gak, rambut yang obvious gile beza length tu nak kata tak nampak beza apa-apa...

So we went to NZ (like the most popular mamak-ing area in Wangsa Maju) to chat.

I was pretty self conscious, so I kept running my fingers through my hair every now and then. Or more like every 5 minutes.

There was the large screen on, and we were watching a few advertisements running through, before the actual tv show starts.

At that point, came the new Sunsilk advertisement, about the 7 pakar rambut dunia bla3x, and we were watching the one with the Japanese specialist.

My friend then mentioned, "Patut gunting rambut dengan dia ni kan?", while holding back a chuckle.

I just smiled (forced), sighed and then turned to him. "Tu la.. dah pendek.. nak wat cam ne kan?"

He looked straight at me, then I saw his eyes shifted towards my hair, with his hand barely touching it and then he sighed, and then said "Tu la.. sayang"

T_T

The Hair Conundrum Part I

2010-05-31T20:46:00.009+08:00

Rambut adalah mahkota wajah.

Dan wajah adalah mahkota badan.

Okay, I made that up. I always thought so though. You look at the person's hair, then face, and proceed the his/her body. If pakai tudung and what nots, just proceed to face and body la right?

I've kept my hair relatively long since last year January, because I've always longed for waist length hair, and even if I can't achieve that, I wanted at least bra-length hair. (Hair ends at bra line okay)

I tried to maintain the look of this hair, but it was hard. Hair doesn't really follow what you want them to do you see. It sticks out at places you don't want it to, and it grows out of shape and so on.

The examinations came and went, and I never really got a decent haircut ever since December 2009.

Therefore, after watching this very picture, the one with me and Khir, I decided to go and cut my hair.

I was thinking about shoulder length would do for me. Long hair takes more time to manage, and time is something I soon would not have, due to work la. :P

I then went to the same place that cut of my hair in December, told the guy that I wanted shoulder length hair, just a little layer would do.

Little did I know, shoulder length means above the shoulder and little layer means layer all that you want.

And I knew that after he almost chopped of all my hair and I looked like some sort of Japanese tomboy wannabe. Seriously!

I was so angry, furious and sad at the same time, I rushed out of the shop, went to the toilet and looked at my image in the mirror.

Then I went back, and started wailing my heart out in front of the shop. I don't care about image no more. I wanted my hair back, the very hair this dude chopped off when I said shoulder length and a little layered. Shoulder length means shoulder length la, yang ko gunting sampai above the shoulder tu apasal?? And I said a little layered and you made me look like some sort of mushroom top?? WTF! And worse of all, this is the only time for me to meet all my friends before work, and I have to meet them in the new hair do??

Of course I made a scene! I made a scene large enough that the main stylist, the director whatever they call it, came to me asking what was wrong. I just cried away until my whole face was puffy.

Then she explained what some bullshit to cover her stylist's lack of comprehension of orders and tried to salvage my hair. But what was there to salvage? Any shorter I would look like a boy. FML.

But they did what they could do (unless they gave me extensions for free) and I was left with this hair cut.

Maybe the problem isn't that apparent to you in the above picture, because I tried to salvage it by tying it up in a half pony tail. While walking in Gardens that day, I kept on staring at the mirrors for my reflection. There goes my self esteem down the drain. :'(

Very pissed off that I kept crying. The worse part, I still had to meet my friends after the haircut which I hated, because they would be going back to their respective hometowns, and it would be hard to meet after the weekend.

:'(

To be continued.

Gua bizeh

2010-05-31T02:47:00.002+08:00

I told myself before this that after my PRO 3 exams that I will blog an entry every single day. Which I didn't do obviously. :p

I've been busy. Or buat-buat busy. Whichever you would like to believe. :P

Had a hectic week, went for the SPA interview (and was the last person on the interview list because I came late T_T), and settled the MMC form.

Then went for the Graduation Hi Tea, took lots of pictures, but didn't have the time to upload it because I was that damn busy. Or like I said, buat-buat busy. Haha.

Can't really think about anything to blog, having some issues that I have to straighten out first, issues regarding my emotions and stuff. All those shizz that you could read about in an emo blog, so.. just let me be :)

Oh btw, I'm glad Lee Dewyze won. So good looking! And I always have a thing for good looking men. :D

Good bye 'medical student'

2010-05-24T11:38:00.005+08:00

Hell yeahhhhhhhhhh dah habis degree programme!!!

Okay, as I was typing that I couldn't believe it either. It is so surreal.

First and foremost, I'd like to thank God Almighty, the Most Gracious and Most Merciful on all the success bestowed upon us today. Next the ever dedicated lecturers of UPM medical school, who taught us through out the 5 years. My family and friends for the awesome support, and my coursemates, my colleagues, those who pushed me to the limit to bring out the best in me. And not forgetting, all those patients who had let me examine and clerk them all these years. Thank you for your time and your willingness to train me and my friends to become doctors for the benefit of the coming generation.

I can't believe I had spent 5 years of my life taking medicine in UPM - yeah, Universiti Putra Malaysia ye, not Universiti Pertanian Malaysia anymore (well it used to be, but now dah change name), or yet, not Universiti Penuh Manusia (walaupun our university is the one with the most amount of students at one place - excluding UiTMs around Malaysia la).

5 years of my life, missing movies or going out sessions with friends.
5 years of my life learning about how to make people feel better - emotionally and physically.
5 years missing precious time with my family, friends and most importantly, THE GUY WHO GOT AWAY. :'(

4 cases we are judged on during the exam. 3 short cases and 1 long case.
4 years spent in the new college - K17 , after we've been kicked out from the first college in main campus. :(

3 years of clinical work, where I learnt all about working with people.
3 years of asking myself again and again whether I really did want to be a doctor.
3 days of theory exams for Professional 3.
3 professional exams in 5 years.

2 weeks of study week, trying to absorb everything we've been taught in the 5 years.

1 awesome experience, which I wouldn't trade for the world. All the people I've met have been amazing, I feel so blessed to have met all of you throughout the 5 years I had in medical school.
So many times I felt lost, so many tears I've shed.. but I had all of you people, yeah, the coursemates, the friends to lift my spirits up. And most importantly, a better grasp and better understanding about the relationship towards God.

What I am trying to say now is, I am now officially a doctor.

p/s : I haven't been going online all this while because I would spend too much time on the internet that I couldn't concentrate studying. It's like coming out of the cave after the exams because I didn't even log on to facebook! HUUUU~ I haven't seen blog entries by friends or those I had been following, but I guess everything ends well.

My heart goes to those who didn't make it, be strong! Remember that God tests those who He thinks have the courage to undergo His tests.

As Winston Churchill once said - "Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm."

Random Pictures

2010-04-03T18:59:00.012+08:00

Realized that there was too much writing in this blog. No pictures at all. So although I have a lot of emotions kept inside of me, and writing about all of it is going to take all day, and no one wants to read about another emotional girl/doctor-to-be, I thought I would just put up random pictures. These are statements I stumbled upon, and I liked them, so I snapped them up using my handphone.

This one was a statement from a magazine I read in the library. It caught my eye as sometimes we fail to realize that only the best would do. We are easily contented with what we have, and do not strive for the best, although we deserve it.

The old saying goes that money is the root of all evil. It isn't! Money makes the world go round. People say that although you have all the money in the world, you can't buy happiness. I couldn't disagree more. Money can buy you happiness, to a certain extent. For instance, if you're upset, you can go out and enjoy a movie, eat good food, and buy things that you like, wouldn't you be happy? Of course, relationships on the other hand, is a whole different story. But it definitely can bring you happiness, to a certain extent. As the picture above says, money isn't evil. Just ask the good ~~doctor~~ doctor-to-be. :P LOL.

*note: This was actually an advertisement for a bank. Something about a doctor believing in the bank, and investing his money in it. And stuff.

"I don't care what it does, I want it". Definitely something a shopaholic lady or man would say during one of their shopping sprees. Shown in the picture is some toaster, I think.

This was taken from an advertisement about asthma medication, the inhalers and techniques how to use it. Often when we meet some one who takes our breath away, and we can't breathe, nothing else matters, and we think that we have found THE ONE. :P

Haruslah ada amik gambar cute guys as well. :P Although just from a newspaper cutting. :P
By the way, this is Ed Westwick from Gossip Girl, or better known as Chuck Bass.

And wait for it.....

..

..

..

Mestilah ada gambar Aizatku tercinta. XOXO
*yeah, you can go vomit now :P*

My view on things

2010-03-27T22:08:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, blog entries seem better when written out of spite or when emotional. Once everything is very lovey dovey, drama ceases to exist on paper, or in the blogging arena.

I'm not supporting break ups, it's just that sometimes, when people are loved enough, even the biggest problem which could turn their world upside down just seems like a storm in a teacup, which can be shaken off easily by turning to their significant partner.

But when they are alone, and they have no one to turn to, the smallest, most trivial of all problems could cause havoc worse than the tsunami to people all around them.

That's when every single word pouring out of their mind, every single story indeed - equates to brilliance. :)

scary-mary

2010-03-21T21:30:00.002+08:00

Reading about the experience of being a houseman in blogs written by doctors scare me.

Seriously, scary shit ar.

I can't even make up my mind where to put as the 3 places to work in the form to be sent in this Wednesday.

My answer seemed so clear before I entered 5th year. I wanted to work in Hospital Kuala Lumpur so badly.

Then I went for electives, and I started 5th year. And actually see what these housemen got to do in the ward. The extent of their responsibilities.

Now I'm not sure anymore where exactly I want to apply.

*sigh*

Alice, tell me why a raven is like a writing desk?

2010-03-15T16:44:00.007+08:00

My exam tomorrow has been postponed to Thursday.

Like OMG! Lamanya nak tunggu Thursday! I just can't wait for it to be over and done.

I guess I have to endure another 2 days of going to the ward, studying again, while most of my group mates are enjoying themselves already, waiting for the discussion with the lecturers on friday.

:(

Any how, since the exam is on Thursday, went to see "Alice In Wonderland"! Haha. Komplot ngan groupmate.

Bought this "Alice in Wonderland" combo so that I could get the cup. Over sangat. :P

I would say the movie was okay, not great. But because I'm a fan of Johnny Depp and Tim Burton's movies, so I guess I didn't mind paying RM7 for it (student price yo :P).

Oh, btw, the answer of the question as the title? "No idea." -- spoiler alert. :P

Tik tok tik tok

2010-03-15T07:26:00.003+08:00

I can't wait for all of this to be over. Everytime I walk back from the hospital, or between reading at my table, I ponder about what I want to do, after all of this is over.

6 weeks, 5 weeks - basically, it's so near!

All that I've worked for in the past 5 years, mind you, 5 X 52 weeks. Add that to a year of matriculation, and 11 years of high school to brain wash you in targetting medicine as your first choice in tertiary education. 11 (primary and high school) + 5(university) + 1(matriculation) = 17 years alone studying!

OMG!

Haha. okay now back to earth, where reality sets in.

Anyway, tomorrow is my O&G end of posting exam, I got the lecturer based in UK for my examiner, God knows what is going to happen. Will he emphasize on my english language, or emphasize on some post graduate topic like management of ovarian cyst in pregnancy? LOL.

Hope for the best la. Dah usaha gak, maybe should usaha more, but dunno how to usaha more already. Did the on calls, clerked as much as possible, maybe should do more short cases? How much more?

But hell, I would rather go all out, than regret later on. So I can say to myself, I did everything.. everything indeed, to survive medical school.

3 years old and counting

2010-03-09T23:37:00.013+08:00

ooo.

My blog is 3 years old this month.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to.. *ok, malas nk smbg dah*
:P

I went to the Satu Suara concert featuring Aizat, Faizal Tahir and Siti Nurhaliza in February this year, and I was stuck in the Aizat-Faizal Tahir phase eversince.

Like what does that mean?

I listen to 'Hanya Kau Yang Mampu' by Aizat like every single morning, repeatedly and before I go to sleep, I listen to 'Selamat Malam' by Faizal Tahir. :P Tu time-time wajib. Tapi sekali pasang, repeat sampai 4-5 kali terus.

Aizat, Faizal Tahir and Siti Nurhaliza

I mean, I did like the songs by Aizat prior to the concert, it's just that I brought my liking to a whole new level as I saw him perform in Istana Budaya that day. Why so? I knew he could play the guitar and all, but I never knew he could play the piano.

For his final song, before the set where he starts joining Faizal Tahir singing, a grand piano was actually wheeled out on to the stage. And I was thinking, "Does this dude actually know how to play the piano?"

And yes, he did. :D

My eyes were set upon him, playing the piano, belting out the "Hanya Kau Yang Mampu" song out loud, and my heart - just started melting. :P LOL.

Men who can play instruments are hot, those who can play the piano on the other hand, are way hotter. :D

And I wasn't really a fan of Faizal Tahir's "Selamat Malam" before this, I thought it was way too slow for my liking, yelah, dah nama Selamat Malam, it's basically a lullaby for someone before they go off to dreamland.

But that night, when I saw Faizal Tahir sing this song, with the wind in his hair, and him looking at the audience *ehem, looking at me :P* and sing out the phrase "Kan ku menjadi arjuna dalam mimpi-mimpimu..."

Wehy.. sapa tak nak Faizal Tahir jadi Arjuna dalam mimpi diorang? Probably those who have partners hotter than him , and can sing better kowt. :P

Muka happy lepas concert weh.

Yang ni nampak happier coz ada lighting lagi kat belakang.

Owh by the way, Aizat is so huggable! Rasa nak hug je tau that day.

Aizat

A close friend of mine said I'm a hypocrite, cause I only start liking Aizat after he is thin. She was a fan of his eversince AF, during his "rounder" days. That's not true. I became a fan after he played the piano live in front of me in Istana Budaya :P Ha..... Lain kan concept?

And I think my roomate will be glad NOT to be hearing Aizat and Faizal Tahir constantly on replay every single day, like for the past 3 weeks. Hohohoho~ She's been complaining already - "Boleh tak pasang lagu lain? Balik-balik lagu Aizat ngan Faizal Tahir. Naik muak tau!" :P

But that doesn't mean I won't be playing their songs on my speaker no longer. Just less frequent. :P

Anyway, now I'm stuck on Coldplay's "The Scientist". I never was a fan of them you see, but I heard the song sang by someone on American Idol (not Katelyn's performance during the Top 10, but during the Hollywood week), then I realized the lyrics were actually quite relatable. *Aren't all lyrics relatable if you think so? That's what makes it so marketable*

When I was in high school, I knew this girl by the name of Azah, who was so in love with Coldplay, and being the narcissistic bitch who couldn't care less about other people's feelings back then, I just laughed her off, because firstly, at that point, hip hop was so the IN thing, and secondly, Coldplay's group members weren't that good looking anyway. LOL.

I guess Azah was more matured than I was back then, and I only achieved the liking of these types of music recently. So, I would like to say to Azah now, Sorry because I said Coldplay suck. They don't. I heart their songs now. :P

Owh, on a different but not unrelated note, I have another friend Aisya from high school who hearts Sidney Sheldon books. And she always reads it, and tells me the summary of the book. Well, back then in high school. In matrix, out of boredom, I read one of the books written by Sidney Sheldon, and fell in love with his writing, and I never looked back since. I remembered when Aisya told me the summary of the book, I actually told her "Aisya, I don't care about that book. Bother some one else about your summary."

Gile cold hearted bitch weh!

So here is another apology to Aisya, I read Sidney Sheldon, and I like the way he writes too. Too bad he's passed away, I couldn't read more of his work (I read most of his books already eversince the first Sidney Sheldon book anyway). I shouldn't have judged the book before I read it, and I'm sorry because I said that to you, I should have dismissed you in better words. Hah. Boleh tak? :P

Anyway, back to the story, my blog is now 3 years old. Hopefully this blogging year would be better than the years before. :D

Gua sudah gemokkkkk

2010-03-07T18:07:00.003+08:00

Today, as a start to a better life, I bought myself a weighing scale. Yup, you read it right, I bought myself a weighing scale.

I've been overweight *hurm actually dah nak obese dah pon since these few years* eversince I left high school. (Damn I miss those days where I can eat anything and still fit into clothes!)

I don't know what magic mushroom they put in when cooking in Matrix Pahang cafe, and the weight put on, never went away! Like, holy shit dowh!

And when I bought the new weighing scale, I was like.. double holy shit! Am I that heavy?? *in denial* The old weighing scale used before this showed that I was 12kg less heavy compared to the new weighing scale. huu. T_T Bengong punya old weighing scale.

So this is the start of the journey to lose weight. (Yeah right, start time-time exam dah dekat, makan tak jaga.. wondering if it could actually happen??)

But when watching the biggest loser asia marathon, they didn't wait until tomorrow to lose weight, they just did what they had to do - exercise. Maybe I should try it.

So, we'll see if the mission to lose weight actually works out this time around. :) *keeping my spirit up, but doubtful*

What I heard and liked

2010-03-06T22:52:00.006+08:00

Tom Hansen to Summer at Angelo's Plaza (500 Days Of Summer)

Tom : You know what sucks? Realizing that everything that you believe in is a complete and utter bullshit. Sucks!

Summer : What do you mean?

Tom : Aah, you know, destiny and soulmates. True love and all that childhood fairytale. Nonsense. You were right, I should have listened to you.

Summer : *laughs*

Tom : Yeah, what are you smiling at?

Summer : Tom.. *smiles*

Tom : What, why are you looking at me like that for?

Summer : Well, you know, I guess it's 'cause I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it and... now he's my husband.

Tom : Yeah. And... so?

Summer : So, what if I'd gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there 10 minutes later? It was - it was meant to be. And... I just kept thinking... Tom was right.

Tom : No.

Summer : Yeah, I did. *laughs*I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about.

Towards the end of the movie, as Tom Hansen was talking to Autumn, and both of them are interviewing for the same job. He realized that Autumn has seen him before, but he never noticed her.

And the narrator says "If Tom had learned anything... it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence. That's all anything ever is. Nothing more than coincidence."

Note : That's the thing. A break up is a break up. You don't have to ask how I'm doing, whether I'm busy or not. It's not part of the deal. You don't have to act as if you care. Because you don't. If you did, it wouldn't be this way.

Waffle with ice cream, marshmallows and hot chocolate for my thoughts

2010-02-26T21:51:00.003+08:00

Actually, a lot of things had happened. But I'm afraid to blog about it. Suddenly, I feel that blogging isn't safe anymore. You don't really know who reads your blog. Maybe a friend, maybe an enemy or maybe the very lecturer you're cursing. Haha~ Anyways, that's the main point. I don't know who reads it, I'm not really feeling comfortable laying out the very details of my life in the virtual world. I guess I'm not as open as I was when I initially started blogging, like about 5 years ago using the 'Friendster' blog. Many would say, what.. 'Friendster'? That's so ancient, we face-book now. Haha. So true. I guess I am ancient, I was from the 'Friendster' era. At least, I started from a Friendster era, and yeah, I do have a facebook account.

Anyway, I'm going away from my main point. As I watch my fellow coursemates update their blog ever so often, OKlah, not all lah, mainly Anot, hehe, I decided to update mine too. Between the free time I had eating, sleeping, studying and walking to the hospital, I thought, what should I write about? Recent events? Write another novel like story? Or a poem -- which I haven't done since high school?

Well, the very first thing I had to do was just to log into blogspot, and wa la.. Words started pouring into my mind, and my very fingers start typing away at a walking pace, steady, yet full of enthusiasm.

About the recent events thingy.. well, I've mentioned that my beloved cat Pedro died. I'm moving on. My family purchased two adorable young Persian kittens in grey and black as an addition to the cat family in my home. But of course, they can never take Pedro's place. They are not a replacement bear in mind, rather just an addition to what is already there. No two cats are the same, each of them unique, with their own piece of mind, and all my cats that are gone would definitely be missed dearly. I am after all a cat-person, an animal lover, and I get touched easily.

Well, to help me move on from the 'I'm losing Pedro phase' I did one thing that I always did before this, go out with a guy to help take my mind off things. It's just going out, nothing mutual you see. I've done it before, and it has always been the no strings attached principles. You can have your girlfriend or go out with other girls, but when you want me to go out with you or I want you by my side, you'll come to my aid. Some thing like that la.

What I never thought I would do is actually fall for this guy, those of the type I thought would only be a fling, another person who just walks out of my life. And damn I fell hard. I guess there's no one left to be blamed but myself, for the heartache I had to endure when he indeed walked out of my life (no matter how transient the heartache may be), although I knew that it never ever would workout. Like I said, it's nothing mutual. I knew the day would come when both of us would finally admit that it would never workout, but I guess the situation is like waiting for a guillotine to fall down and chop off my head, I knew it was coming, but the pain was still there, no matter how I anticipated the pain to reduce because I knew what was going to happen.

I am mad, not because this guy, this person, this human being walked out on me after all the time we spent together, but I was rather mad at myself for making my head believe what my heart wanted to believe - that it would actually be different, that it would actually become true, that it would actually be a relationship. I was mad at myself. And that's the worse feeling in the world to have. I failed myself, I let my heart push rational thinking aside, and most of all, all that I've done for the past almost 5 years vanish into thin air. Thank God that people around me are constantly telling me how important the next 10 weeks are to me, and how I've worked way to hard for this career I'm pursuing to waste it over a person that I've known for only a short period of time.

Well moving on from the regret phase, I'm basically putting it up in the blog to remind myself of what I did, to make better choices should I come to a junction promising the same results later on in life.

I'm starting the Obstetrics & Gynaecology posting, am in my second week now. Well, almost the end of the second week. Tomorrow is my first day in the labour room as a final year medical student. Kind of anxious and scared at the same time, afraid I wouldn't be able to deliver babies well and professionally as expected. Sometimes, we prepared so hard mentally, on how to react when in front of the real situation, but often we freeze when faced with the real thing. This often happens to me. I guess I'm practicing to calm myself down and not let the nerves get to me that badly. I'm still learning. Everyone is.

10 weeks left. A part of me wants it to end as soon as possible, another part of me is telling me I'm not ready yet. But no matter what, the final exam will come, Professional Exam 3. The only thing I could do now is prepare myself - mentally, physically, spiritually. And pray for the best.

Can you feel the ray of sunshine from my smile?

2010-02-12T00:43:00.004+08:00

I am walking on sunshine, literally. I feel free! Damn. That's sounds like crazy talk now.

Haha. I just finished orthopaedics examinations today. I got one of the fiercest lecturers as my orthopaedic examiner, almost cried when I knew I got her.

But, life must go on, no matter how bitter.

She was amazingly nice today! Seriously :)

So I was the first one to present my long case, she only gave me 30 minutes to clerk, didn't have enough time to do the physical examination, so we discussed more on how to do the physical examination, and the discussion went on to management of the patient.

The short case, was a bit.. urm, unpredictable. Fracture of the upper limb. Maybe in ulnar or radius. Not sure, because patient on back slab, whole fore arm in bandage with presence of external fixator. Discussion went to what else was injured - nerve la, then discussion went to peripheral nerve distribution.

Huuu~

Basicly, will be starting O&G soon. Will be seeing only women.

No more hot hunks with torn ligaments, or boxers with shoulder injuries..

And also, it is a reminder that the last posting is here, 3 more months to PRO 3!!

Yes, we can. Yes, we can. (the chant said everyday to self)

Have a few days before new posting starts. Will be spending a lot of moo-lah in this few days, that I'm very sure. Hehe.

:D can you feel the ray of sunshine from my smile?? :P

I've had better days.

2010-02-07T16:10:00.015+08:00

Pedro, dead.

2010-02-06T20:26:00.002+08:00

My cat died. In a motor vehicle accident. Found it on the road while I was driving on the way to Serdang. Saw the cat's tail, and my heart beat faster. It seemed awfully familiar. I stopped the car, and checked. The collar was definitely the one I chose for it. It was lying in a pool of blood. My cat's blood.

Oh my God. How my heart stopped beating at that point of time. I was out in the middle of the road, my car parked at the side, and there were cars driving through the road. I didn't care.

My cat died! MY CAT DIED!

I still couldn't believe it. I felt that I couldn't breathe.

I carried my cat, and blood was on my hands. My cat's blood. Pedro's blood.

And he was so young. Only a year plus.

Damn it! He felt so furry, yet so weak at the same time. Most of all, he felt lifeless. I took out my handphone, and dialled my father's number.

Because although, he was my cat, he was closer to my dad. With my dad staying at home all day and all (he's a pensioner), and Pedro was always there watching all those Indonesian drama with my dad. They were pals. That's it. WERE. Past tense. Because Pedro's gone.

My dad walked towards the cat. He had this blunted affect on his face.

I took out a sack to carry Pedro home.

We had to bury him. At least, that's the last thing I could do for him. I couldn't even protect him.

I reached home, my dad holding Pedro in his arms in the passenger's seat.

My mother opened the door, rushing to see with her own eyes, to confirm, in deed, it was my cat, OUR CAT, which had died.

She gasped. Her voice changed. She then said "Your brother is not here, maybe you should take a few pictures, his last pics to show to your brother how Pedro looked like."

My tears started falling at that point. I always took pictures of my cats. They are my models that I don't have to pay. But to take a picture of my cat, dead?? It looked as though it was sleeping.

My dad started digging a hole. My mom watched over the hole. I kept on crying and crying.

But I still had to drive to Serdang that night. I had classes to attend.

That night, I couldn't sleep. I kept on thinking about Pedro. How I first laid eyes on him when my brother brought him home in a box. His eyes staring at me. Those pretty, pretty blue eyes. How it curled on my bed when I took it's picture. How it's bell sounded when it was running to get it's food. I couldn't sleep! It was almost 3am. Finally I fell asleep, but I woke up at 5am. I knew I looked terrible, but life must go on right?

It was hard. The minute I woke up, my mind zoomed to my lost. Pedro.

And the worst part is? I don't even remember how Pedro's voice sounded like. T_T

*this happened 2 weeks ago, but I only had the courage to tell about it today, still having my eyes watery though, but I guess it's one of the first steps to let go. I'm trying to get out of the denial stage of the stages of grief.

Ketika traffic jam

2010-01-23T22:09:00.003+08:00

Hujan turun dengan lebat. Elina sedang menunggu di dalam kereta berhampiran stesen KL Sentral.
Menunggu kelibat seorang jejaka, Hassan, teman terbarunya.

"Kringggg"

"Hello.. ha, saya kat belakang kereta Storm tu.. ha.. " kata Elina lalu meletakkan telefonnya.

Tidak lama kemudian, ternampak bayang seorang lelaki, bergalaskan beg di sisi, berlari menuju ke kereta.

Elina memandang lelaki itu yang sibuk mengambil tisu dari kotak tisu yang tersedia di atas dashboard kereta Kelisa merah tu.

Rambutnya yang tersusun rapi, badannya kurus, matanya bulat. Kulitnya kuning sawo matang.
Terdapat misai dan janggut di mukanya. Kemas. Inilah Hassan, gentak hati Elina. Teman lelaki baru ku.

Lelaki itu memandang ke arah Elina.

"Ha, jadi nak pergi mana lak lepas ni? Basah kuyup saya lari dalam hujan"

Elina tersenyum. Lantas masukkan gear kereta, bersedia untuk drive ke tempat seterusnya.

"Pergi Mid Valley" jawab Elina.

"Mid Valley?" tanya Hassan lagi.

"Ha, kan nak makan. Tak nak carik tempat yang open air skrang. Nanti basah lagi nak naik kedai makan. Kat mid valley parking tertutup. Tak la kuyup" kata Elina lagi.

"Okeh" kata Hassan lalu memasang tali keledar.

Hari Jumaat. Malam.

Traffic jam dari jalan keluar dari KL Sentral menuju ke arah Mid Valley.

"Haish. Nak pergi Mid Valley pon dah jam macam ni" kata Hassan. Matanye memandang ke kereta-kereta di hadapan kereta Kelisa Elina.

"Biasalah, hari Jumaat. Malam kot. Lagi-lagi hujan macam ni ha." jawab Elina.

Hassan terdiam.

Tetiba, die memandang ke arah Elina yang sedang memandu kereta.

"Awak.. awak tau tak.."

Elina memandang ke arah Hassan pula.

"Antara banyak-banyak orang yang saya pernah contactla kan, awak yang layan saya paling teruk tau."

"Hah??" Elina tergelak.

"Apasal pulak paling teruk?" tanye Elina pula.

Hassan pula tergelak sekali.

"Yelah, kalo girl lain, asyik nak call je tiap jam, nak message je selalu. Awak ni.. saya call bukannya nak angkat. Bukan nak message saya pon. Penat saya tunggu. Baru je start balas message, tetibe lak sedar-sedar diam je. Rupanya dah tido. Memang penat la saya ni nak tunggu awak tau." terangkan Hassan.

Elina terdiam. Memang betul pon cakap Hassan. Die seakan cuba mengelak Hassan. Tetapi hakikatnya Hassan memang teman lelaki barunya. Selepas Razy dan die bergaduh.

Dah hampir 7 bulan tidak contact Razy.

Bila Hassan berkenalan dengannya, terus Hassan menyatakan minat untuk menjadi lebih dari kawan.

Elina menerima, tetapi hatinya bukan terbuka sepenuhnya buat Hassan. Masih teringatkan Razy. Terkenang-kenang.

"Awak tu.. antara banyak-banyak lelaki saya pernah contact.. awak yang paling banyak contact saya tau! Asyik call, message.. macam tak de keje je nak buat tau.." kata Elina pulak.

Hassan tersenyum.

"Yelah, saya nak tau awak macam mane. Saya nak tau awak buat apa. Saya nak tunjuk saya care pasal awak. Tu je."

Terus Hassan memandang ke arah lampu-lampu neon di tepi jalan yang penuh dengan kereta-kereta itu. Hujan semakin lebat.

Elina pon switch off radio. Signal tak clear. Tak dengar pon lagu apa yang dimainkan.

"Best jugak tau ada orang care pasal saya." kata Elina.

Hassan terus memandang Elina, menyentuh rambutnya, menolak ke belakang telinga lantas berkata, "Tau pon".

18 weeks

2010-01-09T22:33:00.002+08:00

The screen saver.

A closer look.

Yeah. 18 more weeks to THE exam.

I guess it just seems so near now that we are already in 2010. Back then in 2009, it seemed a bit far away.

I had a case presentation the other day, and I would admit, I haven't been presenting well lately. Sometimes I have a problem on understanding what the lecturers want as an answer. I just couldn't comprehend. But I could still work on that problem.

When I presented the other day, I got scolded badly. And when I said badly, it was like real bad, like a tsunami hitting the ocean bad. Seriously.

Despite that, I guess, all my clinical years in medical school so far has taught me well enough to not break down in front of people even though I feel that my heart is being broken into a gazillion pieces by the biggest hammer ever. Putting up a brave front is pretty hard to do when the lecturer is dissecting my very sentences, to the very words I used to describe the case. But I guess it's all for a good reason. To prepare us to be better doctors.

She then said something like this "All of you are doctors until proven otherwise. That's why I would treat you as that."

I never really thought it that way before this. I thought we are medical students until proven as doctors. Maybe that's the problem. I keep on being stuck on thinking about how to pass exams and all, when I should look at the bigger picture. I should look at how to save lives, and how to prevent deaths. All the knowledge gained today is to be useful for my whole life. Everything taught by the lecturers are to help me make decisions when I'm stuck all by myself in the ward and an emergency happens, and all the decision making is made by me.

18 weeks left. The very last semester, the very last lap to run before the race ends.

We can do this! (as all the doctors who had done it before)

23 things

2009-12-31T19:42:00.006+08:00

Okay, 2010 is here. Thought about compiling a list about what I've done in 2009.

The ones ~~striked out~~ are untrue, but I wish I could have done it.
The ones in italic are those that I could still achieve/will be achieving in this year.
The ones in normal font, are definitely true.

1. I climbed up a mountain.

2. ~~I brought a plus one to the medical dinner.~~

3. I am now at my optimum BMI/perfect weight for my height.

4. I lost my beloved cat, Nelly, whom I had since I was in Form 4.

5. I bonded with my relatives in Sarawak after 6 weeks of electives.

6. I fell for a guy who blew me off my feet, but I couldn't have a future with. Then, I went out with a boring guy who broke my heart to pieces. Consequently, I had my heart brought together back to a whole by a guy who is a ladies man.

7. I learnt how to swim.

8. I wore the sari for the first time.

9. I saw the very buff Taylor Lautner topless. ;)

10. I stayed in a room with no windows for 6 months.

11. I slept in the top bunk of a double decker bed placed in the living room, next to the kitchen of a tiny flat for almost 1 year.

12. I lent money to a person because I had a crush on him.

13. I changed my handphone again this year. I changed my handphone once a year for 4 consecutive years.

14. I study/revise topics everyday for my exams.

15. I spent RM700 on a stereo.

16. I am a certified healer.

17. I discovered 'Glee'.

18. I realized that trying to please others sometimes does not please me. So I decided that I don't have to do what other people expect me to do, but rather what I want to do. Trying to please other people leaves me being unpleasant in the end. But I just keep it all inside (being the Asian that I am). This will definitely change this year.

19. I still have some money in my bank account at the beginning of a new semester compared to the semesters before. (Yay! I can save money after all! :P)

20. I went snorkelling.

21. My hair is currently at waist length.

22. I went to Penang and tried all the famous tourist hawker food.

23. ~~I went to the Great Serdang Debate in my university. Like finally!!~~

2009-12-30T21:48:00.002+08:00

"When a baby comes into the world, its hands are clenched, right? Like this?" He made a fist. "Why? Because a baby, not knowing any better, wants to grab everything, to say, 'The whole world is mine.' "But when an old person dies, how does he do so? With his hands open. Why? Because he has learned the lesson." What lesson? I asked. He stretched open his empty fingers. "We can take nothing with us."

Due to recent events, I think this quote is really appropriate.

I read it on facebook, as a shout out status from a senior of mine back in high school, Sharazad Saiful Bahri.

Don't Rain On My Parade

2009-12-28T22:22:00.003+08:00

Listening to "Don't Rain On My Parade" sung by Racheal (Lea Michelle) in Glee (the tv series).

Pumps up my spirit :) That's what we need sometimes, when we're too tired and forget why we are where we are in the first place.

The video features Lea Michelle and Idina Menzel singing "Don't Rain On My Parade".

Don't ever let anyone else be the dark cloud blocking your ray of sunshine,
don't ever let anyone rain on your parade. :)

it's so hard to leave home

2009-12-27T19:10:00.013+08:00

Sometimes, although my hostel in UPM is just about 40 minutes drive away, I miss my home. Because of them. (my cats I mean, the flowers tu tak ar rindu sgt pon)

Ha. I miss home already. :'(

tulis dalam bahasa melayu pon best gak

2009-12-25T21:33:00.004+08:00

waa scary. been procastinating so well that now I feel that I have to finish so much in so little time.

The whole '4 weekend 3 day holiday' thing that has been going on for almost 3 weeks now is so unproductive for my studies. I spent none of the weekends studying. *macamla weekdays study betul2 pon* sheesh. 4 months more nak exam and this is how I behave.

tak yah ar nak sibuk2 cerita pasal all the emotional - im single everyone is getting married, people are getting hooked up, my ex-es are moving on bla3x.. im sure can read about all that shit in other people's blogs as well.

tak yah gak sibuk2 cerita pasal chasing my career as well, case writeup first pon tak carik lagi, career hapa nyer??

tak yah sibuk2 cakap pasal nak dapatkan body yang paling mantap skalik sbb skrang asyik emo, makan lebih2, exercise pon kurang, member2 banyak free.. jumpe member = makan sedap, makan sedap = gain weight, bagus sgt ar tu!!

mcm2 la kite ni tak puas hati ngan hidup kite, padahal bile kite tengok orang lain kat hospital tu, struggling just to breathe, or struggling just to be able to walk, ada kurang limbs sana sini, atau some people who are far shorter than average or far taller than average.. sume orang pon tak puas hati dgn macam2 aspect hidup diorang, makes us wonder, sampai bile baru nak terbukak mata ni nak bersyukur dengan apa yang ada??

memang la bagus niat nak memperbaiki diri, nak hidup yang lebih baik dari sekarang, tapi kalo keje asyik complain je pasal hidup skrang ni, susah gak la nak cakap apa.

k ar, post dah melalut, konon nak study sambil dgr lagu kat laptop, tapi end up update blog lak. haish. attention deficit disorder ke??

2009-12-19T21:35:00.004+08:00

Orthopaedics week 2, day 2 of clinical work.

My jaw dropped when I saw my lecturer who was supposed to take the bedsite teaching for my group that day.

He looked like this.

Lincoln Burrows from Prison Break.

Like dead serious. He looked like Lincoln Burrows.

OMFG.

I always had a thing for buff, big men who are bald. :P LOL

Orthopaedics is getting way more interesting now~

tee hee heee hee...

p/s : Rasa macam dah jatuh cinta dowh :P

2009-12-09T06:50:00.002+08:00

Day 3 of Orthopaedics posting.

And I'm having a smile on my face. Ortho best ar!! :))

So far la.

I mean, the lecturers are very chillax and cool so far, even Prof Dev! All those cussing, you just get used to it after like.. 5 minutes :P

Was pretty tired on Day 1 because I just moved in again, and we had classes until 5pm. And had to go get stationary for ourselves. ---> Yeah, class is incomplete without books to write in yo. :P

Day 2 was equally tiring, but kinda got the hang of it.

Will be having public holidays on every Friday for the next 4 weeks. Hurm, unsure to feel happy or not, coz would be missing a whole lot of stuff in the wards and all.

I slept so early for Day 1 and 2, so I'm up early today. But spent the first hour of being awake catching up on blogs that I follow. LOL.

Off to hit the books~~

2009-12-03T10:18:00.002+08:00

Was watching America's Next Top Model Cycle 13, and what Miss J said caught my attention.

"If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you got"

Hurm. Keep acting like a bitch, and all the jerks will come tumbling your way.

Does make sense now. :P

2009-12-02T18:56:00.002+08:00

My aim for the 1 week holidays this time was 3S - Swimming, Studying and also playing Sims 3.

So far, it is Day 5 of holidays, and all I managed to do was swimming. Haha~ Studying?? Hurm. Like NOT!! Sims 3?? Somehow when the holidays started I just started to get tired of the Sims. Like miraculously. But I started playing other games though, those games from reflexive arcade, downloadable stuff.

Managed to go out and catch the Zahiril Adzim movie 'Karaoke', which was like.. hurm.. in nice words - too artsy for me to understand? No wonder it was only shown for a week in GSC Mid Valley only!! Haha~ Get the 2nd sentence??

I watched it with my friend, A who commented on the movie;

in the first few minutes of the movie, where it was like black for the few minutes with just captions - "Memang terbaik la movie ni!"

in the ending - "Aik dah habis??"

after the movie - "Aku tak paham message yang nak disampaikan"

Well, I don't understand either. That makes the two of us. Or maybe the whole cinema. Which consists of about 2-3 lines of audience la. Haha~

Preferred Gadoh la.

On a different note, the year end sale is here. So many good stuff is on sale, but am not willing to waste my money just yet. The new sem for me starts next week, and JPA allowance will bank in in January, so I still need money for this month. If there's any excess of money, maybe I'll treat myself to a bag or two. Or facial treatment. Or hair cut in the saloon. Well, whatever.

Am currently watching America's Next Top Model Cycle 13 on Youtube, and got to the final episode already, but couldn't watch it well, always upload halfway, so have to refresh again. Haih. (Padahal dah tau dah sape menang, I wiki-ed the show before I watched it on Youtube. :P)

Anyway, still have a few more days left of the holidays, have to buy orthopaedics books soon, and start packing for the gruesome months ahead, think I'm almost cured of all the moody issues I had earlier, will be fully cured once I meet the besties.. huhu~

Off to wander in the cyberspace again~

I cried on my birthday

2009-11-26T18:10:00.005+08:00

Warning : This is a long post.

I cried on my birthday. Yes, it's true. And it's not tears of joy either. It is tears of sadness.

I never really expected anything much on my birthday this year, I mean, I've been in a bad, foul mood eversince the clinical examination for surgery with Prof Meah, where I seriously performed badly. (That was two weeks ago by the way) It made me rethink what I've been doing for the past 8 weeks in surgical posting in HKL, whether I spent too much time thinking that I've been reading and doing short cases, when in deed I have not.

That's why I started having this obsessional doubt, again and again, wondering whether I really am destined to be a doctor. I started thinking about what else I could do, be a professional blogger? A film director? A teacher?

All these ideas came streaming to my head, but I could not deny, although I'm forcing myself to move on from the concept of quitting medicine, it seems so appealing at times when I'm down.

At the same time I'm in such a bad mood, I have to move to Serdang (yet again, moving, packing, unpacking) and prepare for the starting of a new posting : Anaesthetic Posting, signifying the fact that 1) not only it's already the end of the first semester of the 5th year and 2) that I'm left with about 5 months more to prepare for the final professional exam before getting the DR title in front of my name and go out in the world, saving lives and people from devastation.

As my birthday grew nearer, I noticed that I actually have an exam on the day before my birthday, and an exam the day after my birthday. 'Great' I thought. Double exam. And my birthday would definitely be spent with books, reading and reading, not knowing if any of the knowledge would actually stick to my head when I head towards the examination hall. In addition to that, on my birthday itself, I had lectures in KL from 8am up to 12.30pm, and I had to rush back to Serdang to attend a case discussion with Prof TA L. *sigh*

On the eve of my birthday, I just decided to lay back on my bed and get to sleep, at about 9.30pm. I know it's so freaking early! I just finished my surgical mcq and meq exam that evening, and the CPR practical exam in the morning. I just needed to chillax, or so I thought. I just wasn't in the mood to do anything much, like I said, I didn't really expect anything much to happen on my birthday. Suddenly, my dear friend came knocking at my door, telling my roomate and I that our cars have been given summons by the security, and my roomate's car was much worse, it had been clamped. Damn. Such a way to start my first day of being 23, seeing the summon on my car.

I decided to just roll over and sleep. Upon waking up, everything feels like normal, it was already 25th November, my birthday.

In class that day, I had many birthday wishes from my friends, and also texts from those who cared enough to wish me happy birthday.

Then our surgical lecturer, Prof Myint Tun came in. It was a well known fact that he will be giving his last lecture on surgery that day, I was actually half asleep during the lecture, but my friend Heng decided to give me a nudge to ensure that I actually had my eyes open to see what the slide show given by Prof Myint Tun is all about.

As the slide show ended, he started saying stuff like how we're so lucky to be Malaysians, and how not many people can even afford food. At this point, I noticed he was actually choking up tears, his voice changed, and he actually took out his handkerchief to dab his tears.

His slides changed from notes to pictures, pictures of how we should be answering questions during our professional 3 later on, and how he told us on the morning of the exam he would pray for us, and then the pictures turned to pictures of a child, eating rice on the floor, looking as thin as can be. At that point, my eyes started tearing up.

How lucky we are here, where food is ample, and we could actually purchase it!

The next few slides were pictures of him and his family, where he told us what he would be doing in Myanmar later on, where he would be playing with his grandchild and would be travelling the world. At this point, I guess my tears just could not be held back, and I started crying.

Crying mainly because I could feel sadness that this lecturer would not be with us for our exams, we would be losing out a person who is not only teaching us to be a doctor, but to be a human being, to respect others, and to live life at the fullest. Prof Myint Tun is like a father. He never fails to entertain us with stories about his life, about how it is like to be a doctor in Myanmar. He is like a walking surgical textbook for God's sake!

He ended the slideshow, with lots of people actually already crying, saying "Many people would not know that this is my last day with UPM. At 5pm today, my contract is finished. For 43 years I've been a doctor, and a surgeon. And now I'm retiring" *I don't remember the exact words but it was something like this*

At that point, he started dabbing his tears again with the handkerchief.

For 43 years he's been working as a doctor, and he has been teaching students surgery for almost 20 years, teaching medical students all over Malaysia, from those in UM, USM and UPM. How fortunate we are, to have him.

He mentioned once a house officer in HKL, on his first day as a HO in his entire life asked him "How do I survive being a HO?"

He just smiled and said "I've been a house officer, almost 43 years ago. I don't remember what it is like anymore"

43 years as a doctor. It's like a lifetime.

We gave him something from royal selangor pewter to commerate his time with us, and also a scrapbook.

But what is that actually compared to the life lessons that he provide us??

That is why I cried on my birthday, because a great lecturer, a great educator, THE Prof Myint Tun decided to end his career as a doctor on my birthday.

He will be greatly missed.

p/s : I'm still a bit teary eyed as I'm writing this post.

p/s/s : Eventually I enjoyed my birthday, people gave me birthday wishes through out the day, and lifted my spirits up. That's what the world needs, more people to cheer and brighten people's day and definitely are angels. :)

2009-11-17T21:57:00.002+08:00

Facebook can be depressing at times.

Everyone else seems to be living in the lands where the grass is greener than your area.

Especially when those people come in pairs.

2009-11-14T19:17:00.002+08:00

The most tiring part is packing, moving and unpacking stuff. It makes me realize how much stuff I have, and how I should be grateful, and how I should shop for more stuff even though I want to.

I wish there is such service to help us pack and repack.

It just gets so tiring everytime we have to move somewhere. And the next pitstop now would be Serdang. Quieter definitely, but fun? I doubt it.

KL is still the way to go. No curfew. Or so la.

Everything can be reached within minutes. I'll miss KL. Maybe it's due to the fact that I'm probably going to live out of KL for the next few years that I'm getting pretty emotional about this current move out of KL.

But I am pretty emotional about a lot of stuff. People look at the glass half full, I look at it as half empty.

That's just the way my mind works. Everyone can write whatever shit they want in their blog for all I care, but I'm going to write about how emotional life is. And that is how it is going to be, and if you don't like it, you can just move on to another blog. So there.

I've gotta go, gotta pack my damn stuff up.

2009-11-13T19:45:00.002+08:00

Depressed people eat a lot. It's amazing how much food you can eat when you really don't think about the calories or anything else. Just open your mouth and chew and swallow. Or just skip the chewing part, or even the tasting part, just swallow and swallow. And the stomach seems to be a bottomless pit. No matter how much food has been eaten.

I just had this feeling, that no matter what I read, I wasn't going to be able to answer the questions given by my examiner for the long case in surgery.

And apparantly it was true.

Damn. T_T

Then I started thinking, what the hell have I been doing for the past 2 months in the surgery posting? Eating? Driving? Going to wards? Why can't I answer the freaking questions for God's sake?

Maybe I slept too early. Maybe I spent too much time on the internet. Maybe I spent too much time eating. Maybe.. just maybe.. all the maybe's in the world and I keep on thinking.

As I was sitting in KLCC, watching the clouds passing by against the background of blue skies and the many tall buildings in KL, I started wondering, what have I been spending my time on these few weeks??

Of course, maybe this is all just due to the "no mood effect" due to the long case I've had earlier on.

And this monday the whole fiasco starts all over again, time just seems to be running out so fast, and there's not even enough time to breathe!!

Help. Seriously, help.

Sometimes, I feel that I might be learning how to be a healer, but I'll end up in a different profession later on.

*sigh*

2009-11-09T16:54:00.002+08:00

Does it make me a bad person if I feel pissed off looking at other people, especially people I dislike, not hate, but just merely dislike being happy? Being able to live their lives so carefree??

Probably feeling this way is actually just entrapping myself, because it just goes to show how I can't move on unlike them. Why? Hey, it just pisses me off you know, why are they so happy? Why do good things happen to them? Why are they so lucky??

I'm not a bad person. I don't lie to people. I don't steal people's money. I watch my words when I speak, I try my best not to offend people. When people ask me for help I try my best to help them. When people come to me with a last minute task, I go all out to assist them.

Why do I have to see other people get their happy ending? When is mine coming?

Now the question is, will mine ever come??

It just pisses me off to no end. I deserve better.

I keep on waiting for my time to come. My time to be enjoying life and all. When will that happen?

Pissed off betul.

Sometimes I wish, I could just tell them straight to the face, hey biatch/bastard, you don't deserve this thing! You are just a good for nothing asshole, who didn't work hard enough for this to happen, and bad things would happen to you! I curse the day I met you, I wish I never knew you, I wish I could be out of the state I am now because of knowing you! You suck bigggggggggggg timmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Ah damn it la.

Medical dinner 2009/2010 - it actually happened

2009-11-07T13:03:00.002+08:00

Photo with matrix classmates.

Photo with fellow bloggers.

Cover-worthy shot. :P

Too awesome to be conclusive

2009-10-24T22:30:00.001+08:00

"I hope our new apartment is going to be better than the one now. Or at least of the same standard," said Elina, as she packed her stuff into cardboard boxes with the name "Elina" written in block letters on it by a black marker pen.

"Well, it couldn't get any worse could it?"said her roomate, Cheryl. Both of them laughed.

Elina recalled back, their old apartment, was an old building, and it was falling apart by the minute. The paint was peeling off, the fan was not functioning properly, and not forgetting to mention the fact that it was located very near the forest, inviting mosquitoes during the night.

Their new apartment would be much closer to their faculty, however, she has never actually seen the place. The deal was made over the phone, arranged by Cheryl's father.

The sound of the strummings of a guitar suddenly broke the silence. It was Elina's phone ringing.

After she was done with the phone call, Cheryl asked "You're so into that song aren't you? That dude who sang it at that gig.."

"Not just any dude Cher!! It's Razy for God's sake!! I've told you again and again. He's my soon-to-be boyfriend.." Elina exclaimed.

"That you haven't met yet by the way" added Cheryl, which remark made Elina smirk.

It was true, Elina haven't met Razy before, she stumbled upon his songs on the internet. She went to a gig before to hear his songs, but she came late, and he had already finished performing. She had to settle by listening to his songs online, and knowing his face just by the cover of his album.

"Is that your last box? I want to reach the new place before dark." said Cheryl as she walked out the door towards her car.

Elina lifted the last box, took a last look around her old apartment, and moved on with Cheryl towards the car.

* * * *

As they were reaching the new apartment, Elina saw white apartments, about 6 storey's high, with a guard at the entrance to the area.

"A definite upgrade from our old apartment" thought Elina in her mind.

Cheryl parked her car next to the nearest elevator. Elina looked around the area, there was a grocery store below the apartment, and she decided that she could use a 100 plus drink to quench her thirst. Moving is not something she enjoyed, but she had got used to it as her father was in the army before, and she was constantly packing and repacking her stuff, heading towards a new beginning.

Elina entered the grocery store, and headed straight for the cold canned drinks section. As she was getting nearer to the large refridgerator, she realized a guy with tousled, curly hair, in a white, crumpled shirt and blue jeans with a guitar hung at his back, and his back facing her, was blocking her way to getting her much wanted 100 plus.

"Excuse me?" Elina said.

The guy turned around.

"He seems pretty familiar" Elina thought.

"I'm sorry.. I'm blocking your way" the guy said, smiled, and moved out of the way.

Elina went ahead and reached for her 100 plus can, still thinking about where she could have met the guy before. Her high school? Her pre-university institution? Her music class? Her art class?

The guy lingered around in the store, looking at the snack aisle, now holding an M&M packet in one hand, and a Cadbury bar in another.

"Wait.. the guitar.. the white shirt.. could it be??"

Thoughts rushed through Elina's mind, and she started to brisk walk, almost breaking out into a run, going towards the guy.

"Ehem." Elina cleared her throat.

"Yeah?" the guy said, with his eyebrow up, wondering why suddenly Elina came back to him.

"Are you.. Razy?? That singer??"

The guy started to look at Elina with a puzzled face.

"You know.. that song.. Can I see you tonight.. would it be alright.. "

Elina started singing the first two lines of the song.

The puzzled look seemed to continue on the guy's face.

"OMG. This is not Razy. He probably is someone else. I am so insane. Liking Razy so much that I'm imagining every guy who looks a bit like him to be him"

Elina started to blush, thinking that she made such a fool of herself.

She muttered a soft "Sorry, wrong person" under her breath and walked towards the cashier, eager to make her payment fast, and quickly exit the store.

"Stupid. stupid. stupid" Elina mentioned again and again in her mind.

She could feel her cheeks getting warm.

"2 ringgit" the cashier said, in a monotonous voice.

As she reached for her purse, suddenly she heard the song again.

"can i see you tonight.. would it be alright.. " but this time, the whole first verse.

The song seemed so near, the voice so well known to Elina.

She turned, and saw the guy singing the song, but this time with the strumming of the guitar he was bringing.

Now, Elina was puzzled.

"I thought.."she said, softly

The guy smiled.

Elina smiled too, but still felt puzzled.

"I am Razy. I just.. urm" Then he just chuckled.

Elina laughed too.

"I guess he must be bored seeing people going up to him all the time, trying to get him to sing to them huh?" Elina suddenly thought.

"I'm sorry. How can I make it up to you?" Razy asked.

"Well, you could sing me that song.."Elina mentioned, and smiled.

Razy smiled too.

***

Elina's phone rang for the third time in the row.

"I've got to go back now. Cheryl's been calling for 3 times already" Elina stated.

"Aww.. come on, it's not like you haven't been out late before" Razy said.

They were sitting at the bench near the apartment area, and it was almost 1am in the morning.

"Naa.. I have to go back, I don't stay out that late, especially with a guy"Elina said, and got up from the seat.

"Ok, I get it, I'll send you to your apartment" Razy said again, and they went towards the escalator.

Apparantly, Razy stayed in the same housing area as well, but in a different block. Their first meeting at the grocery store made them become close friends, and they have been hanging out with each other almost every day now, for almost 3 weeks.

Razy seemed like a pretty normal guy, going to work in the bank and coming back in the evenings. During weekends, he performs at gigs, and invites Elina to join him. Basiclly, they enjoyed each other's company.

Elina opened the door to her apartment, to see Cheryl sitting at the living room, arms folded, looking mad.

"Ehem.." Elina cleared her throat. She always did that when she's nervous.

"You're late! You never stay out this late before!" Cheryl said.

Elina just kept quiet. They always look out for each other, and Cheryl has always considered her as a sister, a younger sister in fact, that Cheryl had to protect.

"Ever since you're going out with that Razy guy, you're never in the apartment, you come back late, you don't answer calls.. what is wrong with you??" Cheryl asked.

"Erm. I'm sorry, that would be my fault. I didn't realize the time" Razy said.

He stood beside Cheryl.

Cheryl looked at Razy.

"Cher, this is Razy. Razy, this is my roomate." Elina said. They haven't really officially met, only hearing stories about each other told by Elina.

"Hye" Cheryl said, but in a couldn't care less tone.

Razy just smiled.

All three of them became quiet for a moment. Awkward.

"It's late, good night" Chery said, then she went off to her room.

Elina turned to Razy, and smiled.

"I'm sorry, she's usually nice and all.. she's just looking out for me.."Elina explained.

"Yeah it's okay, I'd be mad too if you were going out a guy. Who is not me.."

Elina just chuckled.

"Anyway, good night" she said, and showed Razy to the door. Their eyes met for a moment.

"Yeah, night" Razy said. Then he walked off to the escalator. He turned back another time, just in time to catch Elina's eyes before she closed the door.

* * *

Elina was watching television. She just got back from her university, and she had a long day. She couldn't wait to rest on the sofa, and maybe doze off.

She took the remote control and switched between channels, looking for something she might have an interest in on the telly.

Suddenly, she heard knocking on the door.

She went to the door, and opened it. It was Razy, clad in the white shirt, and blue jeans. The same attire he wore when she first met him in the grocery store.

"Hey.."

"Hye Elina."

"Yeah.. so.."

"You know we've been spending so much time together.."

"Urm yeah.."Elina answered..

"OMG, he's finally going to make it official, he's going to make me his girlfriend!!" Elina thought in her head.

"So I think.." Razy said

"Yeah.."

Razy paused, looked straight into Elina's eyes.

"I think.. you should move in with me."

"Move in??"

Razy paused again.

"Yeah.. since we're practically meeting each other every single day, and you could save money on the rent if you move in with me..I know it's pretty fast..but I think .. it's right. Yeah, I think it's the right thing.." Razy explained further.

"Move in??" Elina repeated again, with a puzzled look on her face.

2009-10-23T18:54:00.002+08:00

I was in the medical book store today, wanting to purchase a book I've always set my eye on. I went on and asked one of the sales person about the price of the book, it was RM158.

I took the book to the owner of the store, who later confirmed that it was indeed RM158. I told him I wanted the book, and proceeded to take out my purse to get my money.

As I was doing so, the owner looked at my face and suddenly said "You anak Latiffah ke?"

To which I halted what I was doing, and looked at him back.

I asked "Dapat diskaun ke kalo anak Latiffah?"

To which, he chuckled.

Then I answered, "A'ah. Memang pun." Then smiled again.

Then he said, "OKlah, RM155 lah."

Hee~

p/s : my mom's name is not Latifah. :P

2009-10-21T22:10:00.000+08:00

No more pain. I want my very own happy ending. I want to ride off into the sunset on my mighty white stallion too.
Pain is feeling alive, but having my happy ending is actually living a life.

1 engagement + 3 open houses

2009-10-11T22:25:00.008+08:00

The whole day was spent eating. I actually felt tired and sick of looking at food by the time I reached home at night.

Started off the day attending Wanny's engagement (yet another one getting hitched soon), then proceeded to attend another 3 open houses all over Klang Valley.

Could anyone look more similar to Dato' Siti Nurhaliza??

Then we drove off to Sarah's house in Kelana Jaya area. On the way there, stuck in a jam. On the way back, stuck in a jam as well. *tiring*

Then moved on to Husna's home, in Sri Kembangan, but didn't snap any pics. My camera was almost out of battery, and everyone seemed very tired already, and we were rushing to make it to the last open house, Hazney's, in Setiawangsa. Stuck in another traffic jam on MRR2, reached Hazney's around almost 8pm.

Reached home and slept almost immediately.

Recalled an acquaintance who mentioned this statement "What's so great about open houses? What is so great about sitting around eating?"

At that point when that acquaintance mentioned this, I didn't answer anything, because I didn't want it to become a huge argument because of our different opinions.

You know what's so great about open houses? The fact that we could sit around, not only to enjoy great food, but to enjoy each other's company, catch up on life and whatever moments we had missed. In the hectic world that we live in today, food is the main component of what brings us together, we talk over food, we tell people about the details of our lives, our worries, our hopes and want we want in the future over a meal. So that's what great about open houses. The fact that it brings people together, not only the Muslims, the Malays, but in fact a whole community. Even though the calories that we eat may well be seen later on in the deposition of fat on our bodies, but sometimes, it may just be worthwhile because the moments we enjoy when we are consuming the calories. *and besides we could always burn the calories later on during exercising*

And mind you, later on in life, it would be harder to share stories unless it is through this way (over a meal I mean). And that, is my opinion.

2009-10-09T07:49:00.003+08:00

Every single thursday night, I would transform from the happy :D to a total prick, trying to invade everyone's precious moments of the night with continous texting, calling or just plain talking. Thursday night is like friday night in my dictionary, cos friday means I can go home and be a happy :D all over again.

For almost 3 weeks now, this is the pattern of mood.

Sunday : All hyped up to go to college and study for monday class/ lectures / bedsite tutorials.

Monday - Wednesday : Read, read, read chapters in the books, go to wards in hospitals, try to attend everyone's bedsite tutorials, try not to sleep in class, drinking down cups of nescafe to stay awake in the process, trying to sleep at least 5 hours per day.. bla3x

Thursday : Morning - Read up chapters before heading to the hospital.

Night : Feel bored of the whole routine, then tries contacting friends via ym, sms, voice calls and watching a whole load of movies throughout the night. Then feel guilty when the clock strikes 11pm, cos I've been doing nothing but sitting in front of the laptop all night long and not reading.

The effing final exam is in 29 weeks yo!! Shit, after this week ends, it would be 28 weeks left!! 7 months more in the final exam to become the DR!!

Yet on thursday although I remind myself this fact constantly, I still just can't get the facts through my head. Or thick skull.

Watching everyone else study makes me even more pissed off, because they can read and try to place the facts in their head that would come out easily upon any question and answer session later on. Or maybe they are just staring at the books with their minds wondering off else where. Heheheh.

And the fact that I'm already posting up a lot of posts in a week goes to show how much my mind has been wondering off. Damn it.

I hate it when this happens, but yet again, it does happen. Every single week, like a routine.

It's friday morning, I just woke up, yet I feel like I want to sleep in again. I know I have to dress up to go to the hospital but I don't feel like it.

I just don't feel like doing anything basically.

Just feel like sitting down and watch as my adipose tissue adds up with continous meals. :P

LOL!! Need to go swimming soon before I go mad. Swimming helps me calm down. I used to like going to gym, it's like an effing cult, everyone goes there to tone down or lose weight, faces so straight up serious when using the equipments. There's also hot (maybe almost all gay) guys who are oh-so-buff to watch at when they are working out. Hehe~

Unfortunately at my swimming pool area we don't have those effing buff hunks no more. :P

Anyway, I'll just move my ass from the seat, go bathe, and go to the ward, finish my work off, then head off home, and I'll be more sane.

Have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, and almost 80% of the agenda involves eating. Yeah, you got that right, open house. Actually not 80% la, more like 50% cos the other 50% revolves around gossiping about other people, yet another thing I'm good at. :P LOL.

Okay, off to the bathroom!

p/s : I tried changing my blog template yesterday night, and ended up deleting all the side bars including blog urls of people I read. Damn it. They don't teach me how to change blog templates in medical school :P LOL. Will get them up as soon as possible.

What I do when I'm bored.

2009-10-07T21:29:00.006+08:00

What I do when I'm bored. In class. While waiting for the lecturer to come. About 1 hour 30 minutes late. :P

Hairstyle #1. Reverse ponytail.

Hairstyle #2. Pigtail crossing and ending on the shoulder.

Hairstyle #2. Ends up looking like this, pig tail ends on the shoulder instead of at the back.

Will try other hairdos and see if I can make it work :P when I have extra time.

p/s : face in last pic looks so tired. waiting is tiring.

2009-10-06T20:04:00.003+08:00

Situation : me bored to death in my hostel room before hitting the books, thinking about day's events, and yesterday's events, and then decided to send a text message to my bestie.

Text message goes like this :

"Hey. It's me again. Hee. Actually wanted to tell ya sumthin y'day.

U kenal x ex ***** nama ***** tu? Rmmbr back in hi skool? I met him in hkl y'day he's a final year med student in ******.

N he looks fantastic! I actually wondered how God has created such a good looking creature like him :P

he told me i lookd the same like back then, in his own words 'u never changed farah'.. is dat a gud thing or a bad thing?? do i still look stinky like back then?? haha~

amazing these good looking men, n how they can touch our hearts just by the sight of them, n probably make us wonder about them for the moment, n the memory about them wud linger for some time before going into our subconscious mind.. :P"

*there might be some typo, mind you it was a text msg, and yes, it was a long one, about 4 smses long :P*

And the reply went like this :

"Omg hun, u shld blog this msg hahaha."

so there :P

2009-10-04T20:51:00.002+08:00

The first weekend celebrating Syawal in KL, and I spent almost 1 hour plus driving to Banting with Hazney, my coursemate to attend another dear coursemate's sister's wedding. Thank God for the invention of GPS, where I didn't get lost, just a bit late. Google Map boleh masuk laut ar skrang ni. hehe~

Along the way there were a few accidents, causing major traffic jams. Driving a manual has its challenges too~

Then we head to Azlin'z home in Klang, I thought it would be very far away, but it was just about another 15minutes drive from Ayu's home. At about 4 o'clock, we drove back to KL.

30 minutes after driving off KESAS, we reached Bandar Tasik Selatan area and the cars were moving foot by foot in a traffic jam. Yeay KL, what is Syawal without your much awaited traffic jams right? *cough cough*

There were plenty of motor vehicle accidents, shattered glass all over the road, and the passengers standing beside their cars were mostly clad in Baju Melayu and Baju Kurung. Therefore, I could summarize that the traffic jam was caused by people who are going to open houses all over KL? :P

Well, whatever it is, there's 2 weeks left in Syawal, and there is plenty of open houses to attend, please be careful on the roads!! Especially with the downpour in KL nowadays.

Bloated la. *burp*

2009-09-27T16:00:00.000+08:00

I was helping out cleaning the house on the eve of Hari Raya. There were 3 carpets still left to be unfolded, and to be placed at the respective areas. "Wipe out" was playing on AXN, and it seemed to be the most interesting thing to watch at times I wanted to stop working. I decided to sit on the couch and watch AXN. My elder brother helped to roll out the carpet instead, muttering under his breath, cursing indeed, mentioning why he was the one doing this, and I'm not helping, merely because he was the man, the brawns, the one who should be doing the heavy lifting. Or so they say.

Listening to my brother complaining, my grandmother who was sitting on the couch as well said "Every year I was able to do this myself, you're only doing it this year, and you are complaining so much. Only this year I felt unwell and can't do it myself."

SNAP~ right in my brother's face!

Upon hearing those words, I turned my head and watched my grandmother's face, the face with wrinkles, the eyes which has seen almost 73 years of the world, in happiness, in war, in devastation.. her cheeks which used to be held so tight and firm around her face, now sagging, yet still showing her prominent cheek bones, her mouth, full lips, which is considered sexy nowadays, almost forming a frown this time around.

My grandmother

At that split second, I felt something in my heart, I felt how my grandmother felt, it wasn't anger, instead it was disappointment. How such a minor task such as rolling out the carpet could cause such cursing and muttering, when not even one's life is at stake, unlike during her younger years, where young men volunteered to serve the country, leaving their families, the girl of their dreams, to get independance.

The very next day, on Hari Raya itself, we were heating up the meals that we prepared the day before and my grandmother told me that she wanted to get plates and bowls placed at the top tier of the shelf. As I went to get it, she waited patiently, eyes fixed on me, and her mouth non stop muttering words such as "Be careful", until the minute my feet landed on the small, square tiles of the kitchen.

As she scooped the Beef Rendang and the Chicken Curry into the bowls that I had just taken, she said "I feel so tired nowadays, even such a small task is hard to be done."

Listening to that, my heart ticked. I guess it is a sign from God, as I've been so lost for the past few weeks, feeling so detached from the world, not knowing what exactly is the purpose of living, where to go, what to do.

It seemed so clear to me, that as a grandchild I should be taking care of my grandmother. God knows how long she has left in this world? The only thing I worry is that I would have regrets later on, regretting not spending enough time with my grandmother, regretting not showing her how much she plays a big role in my life, how much I care for her.

All this time, it was a big dilemma for me, as I thought, living in Kuching means I would be leaving my parents, but I realized, they have their own dreams too, and their dreams were set in Kuala Lumpur. I also realized that leaving KL would mean leaving the comfort zone, leaving the nest, leaving the only place I really know, the only lifestyle I know how to live, basicly, leaving ME. Leaving a big part of me behind, not knowing what is set in front of me, rewriting the course of my life. But as I said, I wouldn't want to regret, I wouldn't want to curse myself later on, I want to say that I did live my life to the fullest, I did try my best to be a better human being than who I was in the past.

The only thing left for me to do, is to live in Kuching with her, so that we wouldn't be miles apart. And I know, that is achievable.

My grandmother and me (this picture was taken last year)

p/s : As other people become more headstrong, more confident or more spiteful in their blogs, my posts seem to get more sappier by the day. I do realize that. I guess I am just that sensitive.

Berakhirnya bulan Ramadhan

2009-09-16T05:36:00.005+08:00

*Pictures taken in Masjid Wilayah Persekutuan, Jalan Duta

2009-09-11T05:58:00.003+08:00

Men/Guys = Drugs.

Get to know one, then got so used to the person that he becomes not just a mere friend or acquaintance, but becomes a habit. And when you're so used to the habit, you tend to want to do it more often to achieve the desired 'high' effect that you feel when you first started.

Then when you can't get the drug no more, it makes you go out of your mind, you experience withdrawal symptoms, you think about the drug all day. I mean, he has become a part of your life, how can you just forget him just like that??

As the theory says, there is no easiest way to stop taking drugs. Maybe if you replace it by another drug. But, you'll be intoxicated so much by the other drug, that you would start depending on the new one later on. To be euphoric.

I need a new drug. I want you to be my new drug. Because you make me high.

p/s : I wish I was brave enough to mention the last sentence to the person meant to hear it. *sigh*

2009-09-08T23:52:00.002+08:00

When the mind is not there with the body, it's no use for the body to be at the place where the mind is not thinking.

I always say that to my fellow friends when they ask me the question "Should I go to the hospital/ should I study but I don't feel like doing it?"

My answer would be the statement above. Why bother torturing your body going to a place where your mind, heart and soul is not at, and just be there for the sake of being there? Time is so precious, we should spend it wisely, as a whole, not just as body, or as mind and so on.

That's why when the question comes to me, whether I should go to an optional extra class, or go for an extra lecture, and I don't feel like it, I would just not go. Because my mind is not set on it. Although the statement "Kiasu people always win" is the way to go in my group, I guess, I would rather lose for that moment than be lost in space, staring aimlessly at statements coming out from the lecturer's mouth and heard by my ears.

The best way for me to avoid thinking too much about the mind, body matter, I usually sleep. That's the best medicine, ever.

2009-09-07T23:28:00.004+08:00

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned."

Alexander Pope, Eloisa to Abelard, as quoted by Mary Svevo.

I had just watched "Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind". Like 5 years late. (It was from 2004). But it was utter brilliance, never the less.

It made me think about how life goes. Can you just delete a person in your life, and not feel anything when you meet them again? It seems like you can't in that movie. No matter how you try to avoid it, if you have the attraction to that person, you will come back to them in the end.

p/s : Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey make such an eccentric couple as "Clementine & Joel" in the movie :D

2009-09-03T06:34:00.003+08:00

After a long pause from blogging, it just seems so hard to start writing again. Everything seems to come out differently than I intended, and I thought if I never tried even placing words together to form sentences, maybe I could actually end up unable to finish even one paragraph.

I'm now in my 2nd posting in the 5th year, Psychiatry. Yeah, 2 weeks of posting basically to refresh our memory on what to ask the psychiatry patients, as our lecturer puts in, we have one in five chance to get a psychiatry patient in our professional 3 exam (our main final exam in May 2010). It may sound very far away, but really, it isn't. :(

Besides that, we are already in the 2nd week in the Ramadhan month, that means 2 weeks more to go before the Raya celebration, which means no more holidays after that and full concentration on studying :(

It has been majorly emotional for me the past few days, I've been feeling so upset about petty things, I watched 'UP' and cried rivers, like literally. Rivers, man. I know it's an emotional story, but the people I went with didn't even shed a single tear. I must have some issues I guess. Hah~
And the worse part is, after crying that much, my head actually hurts with a throbbing headache. Like what?? So much for the so-called tough front.

And as always, blame it on the hormones. Urm.... right.

Well, just hope I can snap out of feeling so blue soon. Why be sad when there's a gazillion reasons to be happy??

Yeah. Tell that to a majorly depressed patient and get tears back. Ha~

For better or for worse

2009-08-25T17:12:00.003+08:00

My friends and I went to one of the medical wards in the hospital. We saw this patient who was transferred from a different ward into that ward.

My friend, H, who is a Chinese proceeded to read his case notes. Thing is, we saw this patient before in our very own ward, (we went to a different ward this time), and he seemed really thin and sick. This time around he seemed a bit fleshier. But still drowsy.

Then this patient who is also Chinese talked to H in Cantonese.

He replied. Upon the second question, my friend's face changed, he muttered something under his breath and he brought us out of the ward.

Without further ado, he explained, "That uncle asked me what is his illness. Then I said to ask the doctors. Then he told me, 'Just give me an injection. Let me die'. I just answer some rubbish statement, because I didn't know what to say"

I was speechless.

Turn Tables Around

2009-08-22T06:28:00.002+08:00

I was in an elevator one day, in Gardens, and I was late to meet up with my friends. After an almost 30minutes search for a parking space, I was already pissed off, and I was very irritable. Finally I found a parking slot at the roof area, and I made way to the elevator and met a young, Indian gentleman. I let him enter the elevator first, as I wanted to check out my appearance before meeting my friends, so I decided to wait for the next elevator.

I got into an empty one. As the elevators in Gardens were all clad with mirrors, I was able to check out my reflection, and I was straightening out my hair, and reapplying lip gloss. Suddenly the elevator door opened, and there was the young Indian gentleman again. At that point I was thinking, should I stop what I was doing, and just pretend he didn't see me being vain? Instead, at a split second, I decided to just continue straightening out my hair and check out my reflection. Because I thought, since he already saw me being vain, why bother trying to correct his impression of me??

So this gentleman went into the elevator, and after like a few minutes of silence, and me still checking out my reflection, he said "Cukup-cukupla tu, dah cantik dah." In which I just laughed. So much for trying to cover my vanity :P He kept the conversation going by asking whether I was meeting my boyfriend, what will I be doing, what movie I was watching bla bla bla. As we started engaging in the conversation, the elevator stopped at the floor I was supposed to go, so I went off and said goodbye.

I guess if I actually stopped what I was doing, it would make the situation a lot more uncomfortable rather than what actually happened. :P

Another one got hitched!!

2009-08-16T18:24:00.002+08:00

Congratulations to our friend Khairil Izuan Roselan, who had just got hitched today :)

Wedding crashing has never been more fun :D Hehe~

2009-08-12T20:57:00.003+08:00

I had a long day today, my class was from 8.30am up to 5pm, back to back. I was practically running from one class to another, as one was held in the GS while the other in the wards in HKL. Yup, that's basically my workout for the day before I pig my way out while eating dinner. :P

After that long day, me and the roomate decided to eat something nice and made our way to KLCC.

Suddenly I met a familiar face, who amazingly recognized me as well. He was my practicum mate back then in KMPh, we never were close, I know his name and he knows mine (hopefully), so I went over and said 'Hye'.

He smiled and we made small talk, asking about where we are currently. Apparantly he was still studying, and he is a medical student too! But in Russia though. Even more things to talk about. Hehe~

Thing is, he had always been good looking, fair and all (why la all those dudes from the Kelantan and Terengganu are mostly good looking :P ), but what made me still smile right now is his scent. Being so close to him while talking to him made me realize he smells good!!! I feel like a stalker just mentioning that. HUHUHUHUHU!

Well, we exchanged phone numbers (but obviously I'm not going to do anything about it because he was out with a girl.. friend I think), but I was glad I met him. I mean, leh 'cuci mata' sikit after just being able to watch sick people in the hospital. :P

I was still smiling while I was eating, and I ate something I've been waiting for since like.... forever?? Hehe. But I haven't been eating the meal for quite sometime, and just being able to eat it, and remember how I fell in love with the taste in my mouth again, was like, how do I put it in better words, "orgasmic". :P

Just give me a ~~good looking guy~~ pleasant looking guy, who smells good (the musky aftershave or whatever scent that Sean John made into his perfume) and can speak fluent english, and a meal which I like, and I'll be on my best behaviour, and you can ask me to help out with anything, I am sure to do ~~whatever~~ almost anything you want. :)

It's been too long

2009-08-09T00:41:00.003+08:00

Almost 5 years ago.

Yesterday :)

p/s : To those who made it happen, saya sayang kamu :D

That fine line

2009-08-01T18:49:00.003+08:00

There is a fine line between what we want and what we need. Sadly, often the temptation to get what we want is far greater then what we need, especially if we don't have any financial, emotional or physical setbacks.

Getting things that we need gives us a satisfaction, knowing that everytime we need it, the thing is already there.

But getting things that we want.. indulging ourselves, listening to the little voice in our head shouting out "Get that damn thing already, you know you want it!" over and over again, and actually doing it, that brings satisfaction to a whole new level.

Almost like having a piece of heaven, a very small piece of it, but still, a piece of heaven indeed.

A truly truthful post :)

2009-07-30T23:32:00.002+08:00

I had 3 things in my mind when I started of my semester this year.

Firstly, is to study hard enough, and get enough clinical skills and be confident enough to perform during the much awaited professional exam 3, or the final exam before I graduate as a doctor. *cough cough* :P

Secondly, is to lose weight. Like seriously a massive amount of weight (after being inspired by watching The Biggest Loser on Hallmark channel during the previous holidays), so that I would reduce my risk of any hereditary diseases. Besides that, I have frequent chest pains due to gastric or oesophageal spasms, (which even I haven't figure out), so hopefully that would get better too by exercise. Yup, I'm one of those who believe in losing weight through exercise and eating proper meals. All those diets by drinking shakes or what-so-ever, I think the weight would just come back once you stop those diets. But, if you are one of those sort of people, and it has been working for you, by all means, please continue doing whatever you did.

So much for my 2nd thought or objective, it's 11.40pm at night and I just ate a cheesecake given by my floormate after celebrating one of our coursemate's birthday. :P

Thirdly, is the objective which is acheivable but hard to attain, which is to get a boyfriend or to get a significant other. Well, this is my final year *InsyaAllah*, and I'm 23, time is passing by, and I do think about having a family. Even if I couldn't find THE significant other, at least knowing I have a person at the side who at least would give a glimmer of hope that he might want to start a family with me would be enough to keep me smiling at night. For the time being :P

However, looking at the schedule I have now, it seems this is almost impossible. I know, to get whatever I want, I have to work hard for it, but it seems like this objective may be the last thing I would think about for the time being. Spending too much time with the books, in the hospital and not even going out to get to know people definitely decreases the chance of me finding a boyfriend. *sigh*

Yup, being so truthful tonight because it's just one of those days where I doubt whether I can achieve what I have been eye-ing and working for the past 4 years, whether I can stand the stress and all.

Watching my coursemates taking everything in so nicely, and being so confident in the hospital when talking to patients scares the hell out of me. I feel so inadequate! I'm freaked out. Seriously. All the 'what ifs' run through my mind. What if I fell sick during the exam? What if I had a though block during the exam? What if I was posted to a rural area and the patient's chance of survival depends on what is my expert opinion which I should provide in a matter of minutes, or seconds even? (And what if I got it wrong)?

Don't get me wrong, I like being where I am right now. I couldn't imagine myself doing anything else. I get happy easily when I work with people. And being in the place I am requires me to meet people with all sorts of attitude. Sometimes I do feel like giving a tight slap to those who are just mere show offs, but those people are humans too. Maybe they don't realise their character irks me. Maybe my character irks people too. And the thing about character is, its already molded in a person, and being the age I am right now, to change it is almost impossible.

Enough with all the ramblings now, I've got to get back to what I was doing.

No excuse

2009-07-21T20:10:00.003+08:00

I was sitting with a friend one day in a famous coffee shop somewhere along the city area. We were catching up on what we missed out throughout the years and so on.

He mentioned something about the H1N1 virus spreading in his area(Malacca), as the number of positive cases are increasing by the day.

"Did you know the story about the cadets in my area being positive for H1N1?"

"In Malacca? Near Lendu area is it?" I said.

"Lendu.. No No! This is not UiTM la. The state director general of health even came to see us. It was all over the news. How come you don't know about this?" he asked further.

And so I went on saying that the hostel that I'm staying (Damai area, nearby the KL city center) does not have any 'proper' internet connection, and I did not have access to any television as well, thus not knowing about the uprise cases in his area.

He sipped his coffee, then looked at me and said "So they don't sell newspapers at your hostel area huh?"

Damn. :P

Behind the egoistic facade

Ignorance is bliss

And what's left?

Maybe I didn't get the memo.

life as it is

moving on

About death

statement of the day

open your eyes jacquline

?

the day I opened my mouth

turning nutty

Serenaded by him

statement of the day

maybe I want to fly back after 2 years, immediately.

so I chose to be like that

I lie on the pillow and keep on blinking

it is relatable

damn it

I sleep better with my own pillow

waa..

when moving on is so hard to do

:(

tralala

uuupdaaateeee

yes, I'm can actually smile again.

blahhhh

on being unjoyful

HUUU

you made me smile faizal :)

Updated

And so the story goes

Oh yes, we're still alive.

Pisseeedddd

Bed 23

Thoughts

issues

*.*

Note to self

chantra chantra

What she said

Old times

Update much

Hee

Youth what?

The Hair Conundrum Part II

The Hair Conundrum Part I

Gua bizeh

Good bye 'medical student'

Random Pictures

My view on things

scary-mary

Alice, tell me why a raven is like a writing desk?

Tik tok tik tok

3 years old and counting

Gua sudah gemokkkkk

What I heard and liked

Waffle with ice cream, marshmallows and hot chocolate for my thoughts

Can you feel the ray of sunshine from my smile?

I've had better days.

Pedro, dead.

Ketika traffic jam

18 weeks

23 things

Don't Rain On My Parade

it's so hard to leave home

tulis dalam bahasa melayu pon best gak

I cried on my birthday

Medical dinner 2009/2010 - it actually happened

Too awesome to be conclusive

1 engagement + 3 open houses

What I do when I'm bored.

Berakhirnya bulan Ramadhan

For better or for worse

Turn Tables Around

Another one got hitched!!

It's been too long

That fine line

A truly truthful post :)

No excuse

.